Ground breaking

TJ helps with Willow standing in the background.

Buddy drops his ball in the hole to see if it is deep enough.  No, not really.  Buddy just thinks this will get one of us to throw the ball for him.  He has a "run" track mind.  All he wants to do is run after his ball.

What a big boy!

Willow gets a permanent spot to grow and reach toward the heavens.

Flowers for Willow, kind of like a "home" warming gift, from TJ.

Willow gets a drink after all that hard work.

All done!  That was fun!

We had a great time planting Willow.  Doing this with TJ's enthusiasm for life and discovery brought joy and Light to Jay's birthday.  What could have been a very sad day turned out to be a bright day full of joy, memories of Jay, and making a new memory.  Next year, at this time, we will remember what we did on Jay's birthday.  We won't remember the sadness, but the turning of the titanic.  We opened up our hearts and lives for God's light to shine in and turn our sorrow into joy, to bring another depth to our healing.

I did get balloons for Jay, of which TJ helped pick them out.

We enjoyed our day.  I wasn't any more heartbroken than usual.  I had a great sense of wonder and gratitude that God should have even let me have Jay 12 years ago.  I am even more aware of what a miracle Jay is and what a blessing April 27th, 1998 was for us. 

We will keep you updated on Willow's progress.  Now that I know how to get some pictures on here I will try to give you all a tour of our lives here in the House of J.

Transformation

The House of J has begun to transform.  The J's are moving right along the journey of life.  We have all decided to live!  I know that sounds morbid, and even scary to hear someone say.  After Jay died, crossed over to the Other Side, into the beautiful Kingdom of Light, death looked so good.  Okay, maybe, I was the only one thinking it.  I haven't surveyed the household.  TJ had "living" on his little-boy-list of things to do.  The sadness, though, in the rest of us, saturated every word, every activity, every breath taken.  But, as time has passed God has shown us the Light here on this earth and in our lives.  He has shown us the Light to come, also. 

So, now that we have decided to join the living, we have, also, decided to do it exuberantly, with gusto, and with as much of God's Light removing the sadness and replacing it with a sense of courage, adventure, joy, wisdom, and incredible love.

Both DJ and I have desired to plant flowers.  So, with his handy-dandy tiller, DJ dug up a beautiful spot next to the road.  All of the J's helped in the planting of petunia's and viola's.  We are so excited each time a new bud opens up to radiate its color on our world.  Next to the house, six wonderful roses have been planted.  I just love roses.  I am not sure why.  I just love them.  I love to take care of them.  They take a lot of nurturing and mothering.  I think that is why I love them so much.  I love being a mother.

This Tuesday will be Jay's birthday.  He would have been 12.  To celebrate we are going to make a chocolate cake.  In Jay's honor, we are going to plant a weeping willow tree in the backyard.  I suggested to CC that we could name the tree something like... Willow. 

Each of these activities are decisions made by us to live.  We can float through life wishing for night to fall, our bodies to fall into bed, and our minds to fall away from the present, from a reality we rather not acknowledge, or we can take an active part in shaping our reality.  Instead of just letting life happen to us, we can make life happen for us.  Every decision made carries us down a certain path.  Where do we want to end up?  Depression road just leads to a dead-end.  Every decision, no matter how small, carries with it the power to change our lives and the lives around us.  We can take responsiblity for our present condition, grab hold of the helm and turn the titanic around.  It takes a little time, but it can be done.

The first step is to create a smile.  Start one on your own face.  If you prefer, you can practice in the mirror first when no one is looking.  Next, step it up to smiling at the cat or dog.  They are pretty nonjudgmental.  After you are comfortable with the smile on your face, share it with your family.  Next, move on to someone who has a scowl or frown.  This can be a challenge.  But, when you get a smile in return the boost you get acts just like that Crest Whitening stuff.  Your own smile becomes brighter.  After you have gone this far, pick upa joke book.  Memorize a few good jokes and start telling them!  Your smile may get promoted to a laugh!

Yes, the journey of a thousand miles (or of a life well lived) begins with one step.  Begin it with a smile.

The Greatest Nation...the Imagination

Hi Ron! I haven't heard from you in awhile...I figured you got buried underneath a bunch of snow. It is a big deal for Dallas to get hit with snow. So, what happens when it snows down there? Do the bad guys hunker down until the snow goes away, or do they act up even more than usual?

I think, Ron, that you would do great in the "American Siberia". You cops have to adapt and adjust to all kinds of situations.​ You could most definitely tackle a snow drift.

I can rememember the tea in Texas. Texans really love their tea. And really, it tastes so much better in Texas, too. Even if we did sun tea here, it wouldn't be the same. Minnesota doesn't have the kind of climate as Texas. Oven-like temperature​s are best for Texas tea.

So, you have to build a planter, huh? Well, think of it as an adventure....​You are on a deserted island. You have to build this planter in order to save your life because the only thing that will keep you alive is....tomat​oes. You know that if you can grow tomatoes you will have an endless supply of super energy, and be able to finally harness the tomatoes protective serum. You need that serum to ward off those horrible poisonous insects that are on the island. But, wait...you notice a beautiful stranger, a native of the island (your wife...but, this all imaginary, you know. She gets to play the beautiful native woman.) With the masterfully built planter and the super tomatoes, you will be able to befriend her, win her trust, and even... her love... Ron, if I were you, I would get busy building that planter. You know, you could get a bunch of Texas mosquitoes, buy a couple of palm trees down there, (go ahead and even get a few coconuts from the grocery store) and you could set up your "island" in the backyard. Texas surely is hot enough. I bet you could make your wife laugh. And you would have fun!

The imagination is the greastest nation in the world. I have a very vivid imagination.​ I can create all kinds of fun when I not busy griping and complaining and licking my wounds. When Jay was healthy we had a little weekend paper route called the Valley Shopper. CC and Jay often didn't want to do the route. There was always something else more fun to do. So, what I would do, is pretend we were secret agents smuggling Bibles and other messages to missionarie​s in foreign countries where we couldn't be seen. The papers were a disguise for our "messages" and "Bibles". We would run as fast as we could from house to house.

I would take them in our van. When they got back to the van, they were running to keep from being seen by the bad guys, I would keep the side door open. They would JUMP into the van. Sometimes, I would press on the gas just a little so that they would flop into their seats. They thought this was so much fun and kind of added to the game. When we would go to the next block they would have to shut the doors as quickly as possible and get seat belted and HANG ON. I didn't go fast but, it was the idea. We would pretend we had to get out of that "district" as fast as we could so that we wouldn't get caught. This imaginary game helped them get through a task that they didn't like. And they had tons of fun. Now, we have good memories to look back on.

Anna, I would love to have little tea party like you described! Including laughing until fake tea was coming out of my nose! Now, today is the real tea party. I am going to observe everyone to see if they really hold their pinkies out. hehehe...an​d I am going to intentional​ly hold my little pinky out, just to see if they notice. I know that they sometimes read my caringbridg​e updates. :-)

After chocolate, my imagination and sense of humor help me get through the tough times, the hard times. I use these coping mechanisms to not think about what I do not have.

Lent is upon us for those of you that observe Lent. My goal for Lent, no...I am NOT giving up chocolate...​is to find things to be thankful for. But, I want to take it up a notch. I usually gripe about this old house we live in. Actually, it is a beautiful, Victorian-s​tyle house (on the inside). It is roomy and has lots of potential. So, see there, this is what I mean. Instead of griping, and saying "thank You, God", I want to go a step further by listing as many good things about each thing I am thankful for. Also, for Lent, I am going to try to focus on healing...w​hatever kind of healing God wants to give. This means I will need to use a pry-bar to even let a little Light into my heart and soul. I kind of shut everything up tight since Jay died. I am not sure when that happened. I just know that it did. Jay crossing over to the Kingdom of Light really threw me for a loop as far as God is concerned. I didn't turn away from God. I just got confused, and angry. Very angry. So, there you have it. My public statement of my Lenten goals. Now, you all can keep me on my toes by asking me if I am sticking to them.

I send my love out to all of you...those reading this and those who have in the past. I hope you pass it on. Love is the easiest thing to donate and doesn't cost a dime. Love ya...

~Heidi

Tea Party

Hi Anna...a tea party with small people? Umm, do you mean children? I missed out when I was little. I didn't even know what a tea party was until just a few years ago!

Let me tell you about these tea parties....​No, not the political kind...Beau​tiful tea parties...

I have a friend who has an amazing gift of hospitality.​ She is a beautiful woman with some German ancestry that she puts to good use. My friend has collections of the most beautiful china sets. I think most are antique. But, she gets them out for us (myself and a couple of other friends and our daughters).​ She sets the table with the most delectable goodies. (I eat a ton of them when I go over there). Tea, coffee, hot chocolate, apple cider, ice water are all choices set out for us to fill our tea cups, or the beautiful glasses that she also has set out. Just to look at the arrangement of fruit, dips, cookies, turtle cheese cake, chex mix, and chocolates set beautifully in the midst of the most beautiful china and silverware is EYE-CANDY.

My friend has the personality to go with all of this hospitality.​ She is vibrant, energetic, and wise and funny all wrapped up in one person! My other friends are just as beautiful with the tenderness, wisdom, and transparenc​y that they bring.

I love going to these tea parties because it makes me feel like a girl. I don't often get a chance to dress up. In Minnesota, the American Siberia, jeans and layers and layers of clothing are my choice, whatever is the warmest. But, I feel like getting "dolled" up for the tea parties.

At these tea parties, we laugh, we cry, we encourage, we pray... These Christian ladies bring all that they are to the table, so to speak, and share in vulnerablit​y and trust. What is on the table is just a manifestati​on of what has happened around the table. Friendship was planted, and has blossomed, and continues to grow and strengthen.​

Can you see why these tea parties help me carry the load? These ladies walked with me through so many struggles, even through all the cancer treatment with Jay.

We have been having the tea parties for a few years now. This partying goes on just about every week. Not everybody can make it. Me? Well, I have to work around Dennis's and CC's work schedules and Toby's naptime. Sometimes, Toby comes along (he is a busy boy, though, and tea time for him can be a challenge).​ Sometimes, the gathering needs to be post-poned for another week. But, we still meet together.

We all need other people, a community. God did not create us to be alone. Otherwise, there would be just one person on this earth. Now, how boring would that be??

The way I was raised, pain, tears, troubles, were all ignored, scolded, or ridiculed. I learned to hide my feelings, and keep my troubles to myself growing up. We lived in the country. So, I took very long walks with my dog in the woods. (never thought about wild animals. hmm...nothi​ng ever showed itself either). I would even go in the middle of the night for these walks whether it was Winter, Summer, or Spring, or Fall. Ok, I didn't go during hunting season. But, I learned to keep to myself, hide in my room, or go off by myself in the woods.

That coping mechanism is still around. I "hole" myself up, or isolate myself from others. I guess I don't know how to handle pain around other people. Is it our culture, or is it just me? Anyway, the cure seems to be, for me, to get out of my "hole" and get around people, the very thing that is uncomfortab​le for me to do. I have to use everything I have got to do this. Writing on here helps give me some footing. When others reach out to me, that helps. Ultimately, I have to get out of myself and give my rear a good push.

But, when you have a tea party like the one I have described above, how can one resist? Especially, when there is chocolate. I forgot to mention chocolate. Have I ever told you about how I feel about chocolate? It is a great coping tool. So, friends, eye-candy, goodies including chocolate pull me out of my house and down the street a couple of blocks to my dear friend's Victorian dwelling. Inside, there is the best cure of all, love.

~Heidi

Happiness

A few weeks ago I looked up what the name, Jay, meant. It means, Happy. What a fitting name for Jay. He was a happy child since the moment he was born, even before that. When I was pregnant with him I laughed quite a bit. I am not a giggly sort of person. But, when I was pregnant with Jay I laughed a lot, out loud, good belly laughs. Jay was with me. We had a good connection even then. Jay was smiling from the moment he was born. I will never forget that. The nurse-midwi​fe couldn't get him to cry. He just smiled and looked up at me. It was so cool. And he continued to smile his whole life. He was that kind of kid.


Happiness is such an elusive thing. I know that we look for it in places where it is not. We take a lifetime to find it. Some people are successful at finding it and holding onto it. Some are not. Happiness is defined differently by everyone. Well, whatever the case may be, I have a plan. I plan on finding happiness and never letting go.​ I haven't figured out how to be happy all the time, or everyday. I am not sure I even have my own definition of happiness.

I have always loved God, for as long as I can remember. When I was very little He was the Boss of the Justice League (you know, the Super Heroes). So, God is very much part of my happiness factor. I love having a family. I always wanted to have children and lots of them. Children, even when they are full grown, are incredible gifts. Well, they are incredible, just plain and simple. How can I not be happy when I have so many children in my life?

The pain of losing Jay really makes it hard to enjoy all the gifts, (family, children, friends, home, any blessing, really), Go​d has given me. That pain weakens me. It is like a wound. I am waiting for God to heal me. Until then, I think I will pray for some kind of pain killer from Heaven. I don't know what that would be. God has all kinds of things that help us through the worst moments, ph​ases, stages, or years of our lives. Blue Jays, Blue birds, Poems, friends, tea parties...t​hey all help me carry the load.

Here is another poem I got in the mail:

Blue Jay

How Beautiful My Love,
How you are with such grace,
A presence so adored,
Such a cherished face,

How you fly so free
On the wind and through the sky,
I see you smile, I hear you sing,
And wonder why oh why can't I?

Your colors are so vibrant,
You shine, you are so bright,
I watch with joy and envy,
As you flawlessly take flight.

In anticipatio​n of summer,
You come out every spring,
Desp​laying all your splender,
Yo​u are the beauty in everything,​

When summer ends, my love,
I wish that you could stay,
But fly away you must,
You are beautiful, my Blue Jay


~Heidi

House of What?

House of what?  This is the House of J!  I picked "J" because I am trying to transfer over to my blog site instead of Caringbridge.  I started out writing about my beautiful boy, Jay.  He battled Leukemia for a year and a half before he crossed over into the Kingdom of Light (heaven).  So, this blog is the continuing story of our lives after our battle with cancer and losing Jay.

I recently looked up the name, Jay, on the internet.  The meaning is quite significant.  It means "happy".  Jay chose to be called by his middle name after we got to the Cities and started to prepare for a bone marrow transplant.  He eventually got dubbed, "Officer Jay".  (hmmm...Officer Happy)  His first name is Harrison which means strong ruler or leader.  Jay is definitely strong.  But, the name switch makes me think.

Jay switched his middle name because his grandfather was a role model for him.  My dad, whose name is Jay, who my son was named after, was a police officer.  Jay's dream was to be a police officer when he grew up.  This is why he switched to his middle name.  But, I think it was Jay's way of saying that he was a changed boy, a changed person.  I, also, think it is quite significant that the name, Jay, means "happy".

So, why just the letter "J" instead of "J-a-y"?  Well, our last name begins with J.  The blog is about more than just Jay.  It is about all of us "J's".

My hope is that our home, our house, changes and becomes a happy place, a happy home. The House of Happiness.  The House of J.