Another year (or a little more) has passed in the House of J. At first, it was difficult to write about our lives. Blue J wasn't here. My motivation for just about everything disappeared. About a year ago a little life began to spark again within me. But, times were still tough. And busy.
Three years and 4 months will have passed on the 14th of September since Blue J's death. I view life as "before and after": before he died, and after he died. I died right along with him. Yet, my body still walked the earth. I cried everyday for the first 9 months. Then, slowly, I could get through most of the day without weeping. Then, a day passed where I made it through the whole day without actually crying. Maybe, I would choke up, or get tears in my eyes. I am not sure when I stopped crying everyday. But, there are times when I still grieve, cry, and hate this "after" life. Today is a good example. I read about a 14 year old boy in the news. Blue J would be 14 right now. As soon as I thought about it, I absolutely hated my life. I hated that he was gone. I would rather be stupid and still have him here than to take the journey of enlightenment, of soul-learning, or whatever reason God has for this route my life has taken.
Though I still miss him terribly and think about him all the time, healing has taken place in my heart and soul. This process takes time, and is different for everyone who loses a child, or any loved one. So, here I am, trying to get back onto the writing highway.
This will be all for right now. TJ is sick with a cold. When he first comes down with something he is quite fragile emotionally, quite uncomfortable, and really needs his momma. So, here at the end of this day, this momma is tired. Good night everyone!
