Wow! It has been over a year since I last put a post. I had such good intentions when I started this blog. I thought that writing would be cathartic for me. But, I found myself just not wanting to think about things, finding excuses and distractions. I couldn't tell you if I am doing better or worse since the last entry. All I know is that the real me is some where between here and heaven, reaching for Jay. I don't know if I am depressed or just lost somewhere in space. There are things that make me happy. But, that prevailing grief, that intense longing for my son is always there, heavy in my heart. I still cannot get over the feeling that he was not supposed to die. He is supposed to be here.
The House of J continues to move on, sort of. We have made a move. DJ has gone back to school, and really enjoys it. We live much closer to my mom which is good for all of us. I have been able to reconnect with her, and so have the kids. We live futher out in the country where we can have the horses right outside our door, instead of driving over 20 minutes to visit them, and work with them. The "sort of" part comes in where my feelings of loss and being lost appear. I miss my old town so much, and all of my friends, the small community life and comradery. So, another loss, another ache in my heart has taken up residence.
To get through the move, the feeling of loss, I just keep trusting God. I don't know everything. I have no idea how He sees my life, or how it will turn out and what is best. So, I follow His lead, listen to my gut instinct, my intuition, and trust that God knows what He is doing. I take a "wait and see" policy in my faith. I have not been disappointed with God in the long run, nor has my policy failed me. When I don't have answers I just keep waiting. I know that someday, the answers will come. I will see clearly, ...and my aching heart will be healed.
