Today, Jay would be 16 years old. Sixteen years ago I was huge with my beautiful boy preparing to make his way into the world. At 5:35 pm, right after supper, I felt my first real contraction. I remember sitting on my bed looking at the clock wondering if this was it. I was 5 days overdue and felt like I would be perpetually pregnant, forever. But, later, 5 hours and 59 minutes later, Jay was born. When he saw me, he smiled. I'll never forget it. He didn't cry. The nurse-midwife tried to get him to cry. But, he didn't. My first thought when I saw him was, "I had a football player!". His arms were muscular and broad. He was huge in so many ways, not like his sister who was so petite and dainty. And he was fair skinned, like a peach. He was my little drop of sunshine, my ray of sunshine in my life. A miracle. Just like his sister.
Five years ago, we celebrated his last birthday on the earth. He just wanted to be a kid, to play and not have any life and death worries. He wanted to play with his dog, Buddy; ride his bike, and his new dirt bike. He had his life planned out. What 10 and eleven year olds have their lives planned out? Jay was going to become a police officer, move to the "cities", and get on the SWAT team. He was going to get married and have kids. He had it all planned out. Well, most of his dreams came true....except for finding a nice girl to marry and having his own kids. My grandkids. I never got to meet my daughter-in-law.
He got a lot of toys and such that he never got to play with, on his last birthday. He died 17 days later. I am still mad about it. VERY mad. I don't care what I learned from all of it, or what blessings of wisdom and spiritual freedom came because of his death. I rather be STUPID and still have my beautiful boy here. Always. But, nope. God doesn't see it that way. Oh, I am going to have a talk with God when I get my turn to cross over to the Other Side. I have been telling God what I think since Jay died. God will get to hear it my entire life. I'm pissed. Like you wouldn't believe. Jerk. I don't care if Jesus died on the cross and all that other nonsense. I still want my son! Do I love God? Sure. But, I am pissed at the events, that it even happened at all. And with life, whatever happens, it always is the human's fault. God takes no responsiblity. Ever. Well, hey, this time, He ain't gettin' off scott free.
Harrison Jay, beautiful boy, wherever you are, I love you. I miss you with all that I've got and more. I would have gladly died in your spot, given you my life spark so you could live a full life. But, I know you would be living with the pain of not having your mother. Of the two of us, I am so very thankful that I bear the pain of losing you instead of you, as a young boy bearing the pain of losing your mother. God help us both.
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I started this blog because I love to write. I thought it would do something to help, to be a benefit somehow to me. But, writing makes me face my pain, my loss, and a whole lot of other things that are so heavy, too heavy. It is easier to push to the back burner the pain from my life. But, doing the same thing over and over will not bring different results. Again, God help me.
Time to start doing something different in my life, with my life, with my self. We will see what happens. If anyone is reading this I hope that you, too, can find a new path, or a new way to walk on your path that brings more life and abundance to you.
