Happiness

A few weeks ago I looked up what the name, Jay, meant. It means, Happy. What a fitting name for Jay. He was a happy child since the moment he was born, even before that. When I was pregnant with him I laughed quite a bit. I am not a giggly sort of person. But, when I was pregnant with Jay I laughed a lot, out loud, good belly laughs. Jay was with me. We had a good connection even then. Jay was smiling from the moment he was born. I will never forget that. The nurse-midwi​fe couldn't get him to cry. He just smiled and looked up at me. It was so cool. And he continued to smile his whole life. He was that kind of kid.


Happiness is such an elusive thing. I know that we look for it in places where it is not. We take a lifetime to find it. Some people are successful at finding it and holding onto it. Some are not. Happiness is defined differently by everyone. Well, whatever the case may be, I have a plan. I plan on finding happiness and never letting go.​ I haven't figured out how to be happy all the time, or everyday. I am not sure I even have my own definition of happiness.

I have always loved God, for as long as I can remember. When I was very little He was the Boss of the Justice League (you know, the Super Heroes). So, God is very much part of my happiness factor. I love having a family. I always wanted to have children and lots of them. Children, even when they are full grown, are incredible gifts. Well, they are incredible, just plain and simple. How can I not be happy when I have so many children in my life?

The pain of losing Jay really makes it hard to enjoy all the gifts, (family, children, friends, home, any blessing, really), Go​d has given me. That pain weakens me. It is like a wound. I am waiting for God to heal me. Until then, I think I will pray for some kind of pain killer from Heaven. I don't know what that would be. God has all kinds of things that help us through the worst moments, ph​ases, stages, or years of our lives. Blue Jays, Blue birds, Poems, friends, tea parties...t​hey all help me carry the load.

Here is another poem I got in the mail:

Blue Jay

How Beautiful My Love,
How you are with such grace,
A presence so adored,
Such a cherished face,

How you fly so free
On the wind and through the sky,
I see you smile, I hear you sing,
And wonder why oh why can't I?

Your colors are so vibrant,
You shine, you are so bright,
I watch with joy and envy,
As you flawlessly take flight.

In anticipatio​n of summer,
You come out every spring,
Desp​laying all your splender,
Yo​u are the beauty in everything,​

When summer ends, my love,
I wish that you could stay,
But fly away you must,
You are beautiful, my Blue Jay


~Heidi