Waiting

Just a quick little note here...or not.  It is Christmas Eve 2012.  Five years ago Jay was diagnosed with leukemia (the bogey man).  But, we aren't lamenting that.  It is a memory.  Maybe, God has healed us enough to get this far.  To think of Jay and all the good things, the good memories, and even the memories that were more like living nightmares without being crushed by grief is... a gift.  This year I find that I am much more thankful.  I feel so full of gratitude for my family, for my husband, my children, and the hope of our future together.  I am sad that Jay is not with us physically to share all the fun.  But, I really feel him so close by.  It is as if I can feel his presence so strongly, more so than if he was walking the earth.  What would I rather have?  Definitely have Jay here!!!  But, I am ok with this leg of his journey with God. 

At this moment, I am looking at the clock, seeing that I have only 10 and a half more hours.  My greatest gift wish this year is to bring into this world our little girl.  Yes, we are pregnant with a little miracle!!  Not until recently did I really imagine what it will be like to have this precious person in our lives, in my arms.  For the most of the pregnancy I held my breath wondering if it was real, if she was real, or if she would stay long.  We have had 6 miscarriages since Jay died.  Each one was heartbreaking, confusing, maddening.  With each one I wondered what the heck God was doing and WHY.  God did lead me.  He led me to the various health factors that impeded the continuation of a pregnancy.  I also sought spiritual healing thinking that this too added to the miscarriage occurrences.  Finally, out of emotional frustration and exhaustion, I said, "One more time and that's it!".  Inside I gave up.  I made a decision to go on with my life, and other plans for the future.  I wasn't going to waste my time anymore with the heartache and loss.  Enough was ENOUGH! 

Just two or three weeks later I had a dream.  I dreamed I was riding in the back of a car with some friends.  As I looked out of the car window I saw Mary, the mother of Jesus  Christ, standing about 30 feet tall.  I asked my companions if they saw her and why they weren't stopping.  I couldn't understand why no one else saw her.  Suddenly, I found myself outside of the car standing in the road.  I walked over to Mary.  She handed me a baby bundled up in a linen cloth.  She had a look of concern on her face.  She looked to be about 45 years old with rough linen and wool on in brown, beige, and cream colored fabric.  A week after this dream I discovered I was pregnant. 

Now, here we are, waiting for our little bundle of joy.  We started praying about 6 weeks ago that she would be born on Christmas Eve.  I am not sure why we chose that day.  She could come tomorrow too.  That would be ok with me.  But, I would love to have her today.  Just because I prayed for her to come today.  I prayed for my first child to be born on Mother's Day.  Lo and behold, she was born at 5:38am on Mother's Day.  She and I will never forget this and cherish this special bond and gift between us. 

So, we wait.