Today, Jay would be 16 years old. Sixteen years ago I was huge with my beautiful boy preparing to make his way into the world. At 5:35 pm, right after supper, I felt my first real contraction. I remember sitting on my bed looking at the clock wondering if this was it. I was 5 days overdue and felt like I would be perpetually pregnant, forever. But, later, 5 hours and 59 minutes later, Jay was born. When he saw me, he smiled. I'll never forget it. He didn't cry. The nurse-midwife tried to get him to cry. But, he didn't. My first thought when I saw him was, "I had a football player!". His arms were muscular and broad. He was huge in so many ways, not like his sister who was so petite and dainty. And he was fair skinned, like a peach. He was my little drop of sunshine, my ray of sunshine in my life. A miracle. Just like his sister.
Five years ago, we celebrated his last birthday on the earth. He just wanted to be a kid, to play and not have any life and death worries. He wanted to play with his dog, Buddy; ride his bike, and his new dirt bike. He had his life planned out. What 10 and eleven year olds have their lives planned out? Jay was going to become a police officer, move to the "cities", and get on the SWAT team. He was going to get married and have kids. He had it all planned out. Well, most of his dreams came true....except for finding a nice girl to marry and having his own kids. My grandkids. I never got to meet my daughter-in-law.
He got a lot of toys and such that he never got to play with, on his last birthday. He died 17 days later. I am still mad about it. VERY mad. I don't care what I learned from all of it, or what blessings of wisdom and spiritual freedom came because of his death. I rather be STUPID and still have my beautiful boy here. Always. But, nope. God doesn't see it that way. Oh, I am going to have a talk with God when I get my turn to cross over to the Other Side. I have been telling God what I think since Jay died. God will get to hear it my entire life. I'm pissed. Like you wouldn't believe. Jerk. I don't care if Jesus died on the cross and all that other nonsense. I still want my son! Do I love God? Sure. But, I am pissed at the events, that it even happened at all. And with life, whatever happens, it always is the human's fault. God takes no responsiblity. Ever. Well, hey, this time, He ain't gettin' off scott free.
Harrison Jay, beautiful boy, wherever you are, I love you. I miss you with all that I've got and more. I would have gladly died in your spot, given you my life spark so you could live a full life. But, I know you would be living with the pain of not having your mother. Of the two of us, I am so very thankful that I bear the pain of losing you instead of you, as a young boy bearing the pain of losing your mother. God help us both.
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I started this blog because I love to write. I thought it would do something to help, to be a benefit somehow to me. But, writing makes me face my pain, my loss, and a whole lot of other things that are so heavy, too heavy. It is easier to push to the back burner the pain from my life. But, doing the same thing over and over will not bring different results. Again, God help me.
Time to start doing something different in my life, with my life, with my self. We will see what happens. If anyone is reading this I hope that you, too, can find a new path, or a new way to walk on your path that brings more life and abundance to you.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Monday, January 14, 2013
The Last First Day!
Ah, I woke up this morning jammed between my children, nursing my newborn and my four year old plastered against my back (he claims he can't sleep any other way). This precious moment in the soft darkness of the early morning hour also tingled with anticipation and excitement. Today is the Last First Day! Later in the morning my wonderful husband, DJ, a.k.a Cinderella Man, will be heading off to the first day of classes of his last semester before he graduates. We dubbed today as the Last First Day. We are on the brink of new chapter in our lives. Being on the last page of the present chapter we can see a fresh new beginning, a new start.
This stretch of the journey has had its difficulties. It was precipitated by the affliction of the Bogey Man: the fight against cancer. While helping Jay fight for his life we built up some sizable debt. When we got back home after his death we struggled to pay this debt. Looking at all of our options we decided that DJ finishing his degree, which would increase his wage earning capabilities, was the best route to take. It was that, or head into bankruptcy, eventually. We sold our house and moved closer to the University where he is now set to finish in May. Living off of financial aid, income from a part-time job, and getting some assistance from the state (which really grates against our pride), we have barely made it. We have had some help from friends and family along the way as well. With all of this help we have eeked by....I mean really eeeeeeeked by. And here we are at the Last First Day.
On the first of the year, I came home from the hospital with a brand new member of our little nest, so sweet and precious, an incredible miracle. Two weeks later DJ begins the last leg of his University journey. CC, my eighteen year old Bluebird is graduating from highschool. The next few months holds the beginning and ending of two phases of life for the House of J. It is like looking from the deck of the ship across the ocean to the mainland after being shipwrecked, rebuilding the boat, setting sail once more, and now, finally coming home. Well, we have set our sails full speed ahead. We have hit rocks, icebergs, encountered squalls and storms of all kinds, and even sea monsters. The rest of the journey will be smooth sailing now because today is the Last First Day and shore is just a breath away. So, I will be waking each day with tingling excitement and anticipation for what lays ahead for the House of J. We are making our dreams come true one step at a time. So, hurray, DJ! It is our Last First Day!
This stretch of the journey has had its difficulties. It was precipitated by the affliction of the Bogey Man: the fight against cancer. While helping Jay fight for his life we built up some sizable debt. When we got back home after his death we struggled to pay this debt. Looking at all of our options we decided that DJ finishing his degree, which would increase his wage earning capabilities, was the best route to take. It was that, or head into bankruptcy, eventually. We sold our house and moved closer to the University where he is now set to finish in May. Living off of financial aid, income from a part-time job, and getting some assistance from the state (which really grates against our pride), we have barely made it. We have had some help from friends and family along the way as well. With all of this help we have eeked by....I mean really eeeeeeeked by. And here we are at the Last First Day.
On the first of the year, I came home from the hospital with a brand new member of our little nest, so sweet and precious, an incredible miracle. Two weeks later DJ begins the last leg of his University journey. CC, my eighteen year old Bluebird is graduating from highschool. The next few months holds the beginning and ending of two phases of life for the House of J. It is like looking from the deck of the ship across the ocean to the mainland after being shipwrecked, rebuilding the boat, setting sail once more, and now, finally coming home. Well, we have set our sails full speed ahead. We have hit rocks, icebergs, encountered squalls and storms of all kinds, and even sea monsters. The rest of the journey will be smooth sailing now because today is the Last First Day and shore is just a breath away. So, I will be waking each day with tingling excitement and anticipation for what lays ahead for the House of J. We are making our dreams come true one step at a time. So, hurray, DJ! It is our Last First Day!
Thursday, January 10, 2013
My Cinderella Man
Though the last couple of weeks have been a challenge for me physically, this time has also been like heaven. When bringing a brand new baby home life can be helter skelter. Routines don't seem to exist anymore. The goals we set out to accomplish get forgotten. With the birth of our new little songbird, a time warp was engaged. Time stood still (especially that last little bit of labor and delivery). The first moment I set my eyes on our baby girl thrust me into the moment, the present. I was exhausted, thankful with the relief of no longer being in pain. But, all of that became a side issue, like a dust bunny in the corner. There she was, an intimate partner in life, yet a stranger as well. She was beautiful. Still is. And cute as all get out.
With DJ by my side holding our Songbird, the nurses and doctor worked on me to keep me from saying good-bye to this world. Things in the room began to get fuzzy like an old black and white TV, and my ears started to ring and the sounds in the room were as if they were filtered with cotton in my ears. I lost too much blood. All the while my man stood by me like a sentry, quiet, gentle, yet a very strong presence that I could hold onto. During this time of rushed activity around me, I felt at peace. I felt calm. In the background I could hear him speak to our little girl, comforting her and letting her know that she was so very welcome in this world. I couldn't hear exactly what he was saying. I just heard his voice. And two of us in that room were comforted with the warmth of his voice.
At home, DJ insisted that I lay on the couch. He would do all the other chores. My job was to get better, to recuperate, to rebuild my strength, and nourish our little hatchling. All the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, errands, and chores...of any kind....were done by my Cinderella Man. My slightest wish was his command. He wouldn't let me do anything, and demanded that I obey him for once. I agreed. I felt like I had been hit by a truck. With the pain in my sacrum and tailbone, getting off of the couch took me about a minute's worth of effort and groaning before I could stand upright. I was also out of breath when walking from room to room due to a very low hemoglobin. So, Cinderella Man did it all.
We have been using cloth diapers because our little one broke out in a terrible, painful rash from paper diapers. We even tried the pure and natural, organic paper diapers. The moment we took the disposable diaper off of her one night it was as if peace descended upon the earth. She immediately quit crying. We have used cloth diapers since. This means my Cinderella Man has been rinsing, washing, drying and folding diapers. You would be amazed at how many diapers a little wee one can go through at this age. Those disposable ones are deceiving. In the beginning, while trying to learn our little songbird's sleep, wake, and diapering patterns, Cinderella Man would wash diapers three times a day, along with our other laundry.
For some reason, the dishes seemed to multiply by the number of diapers that also needed to be washed. DJ would do dishes multiple times during the day. We don't have a dishwasher. So, all those dishes were done in the sink by my Cinderella Man, who also did the cooking. He would cook me three square meals a day. Make tea for me, fill up my water bottle, and take care of TJ as well. When I needed to sleep, DJ would hold our beautiful Songbird and entertain our amazing four year old.
Just now, as I was nursing our little bundle of cuteness and joy, I had a coughing fit which is extremely painful due to the injury to my lower spine. I called out to DJ for something wet and quick! He ran to the freezer and pulled out my water bottle and rushed it to me. At some point this morning, DJ had put my water bottle in the freezer. He knows that my preference is to drink cold water instead of room temperature water. He did this for me without me knowing it.
DJ does so many things for me through out the day. I can't even name all of them. But, what is more impressive is his attitude while doing all that he does. He demands that I take this treatment from him, this selfless service, so that I can heal, so that I can be the person I am truly meant to be, one at peace, joy, and in love. Thank you, Cinderella Man! I love you so much! I cannot imagine life without you!
With DJ by my side holding our Songbird, the nurses and doctor worked on me to keep me from saying good-bye to this world. Things in the room began to get fuzzy like an old black and white TV, and my ears started to ring and the sounds in the room were as if they were filtered with cotton in my ears. I lost too much blood. All the while my man stood by me like a sentry, quiet, gentle, yet a very strong presence that I could hold onto. During this time of rushed activity around me, I felt at peace. I felt calm. In the background I could hear him speak to our little girl, comforting her and letting her know that she was so very welcome in this world. I couldn't hear exactly what he was saying. I just heard his voice. And two of us in that room were comforted with the warmth of his voice.
At home, DJ insisted that I lay on the couch. He would do all the other chores. My job was to get better, to recuperate, to rebuild my strength, and nourish our little hatchling. All the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, errands, and chores...of any kind....were done by my Cinderella Man. My slightest wish was his command. He wouldn't let me do anything, and demanded that I obey him for once. I agreed. I felt like I had been hit by a truck. With the pain in my sacrum and tailbone, getting off of the couch took me about a minute's worth of effort and groaning before I could stand upright. I was also out of breath when walking from room to room due to a very low hemoglobin. So, Cinderella Man did it all.
We have been using cloth diapers because our little one broke out in a terrible, painful rash from paper diapers. We even tried the pure and natural, organic paper diapers. The moment we took the disposable diaper off of her one night it was as if peace descended upon the earth. She immediately quit crying. We have used cloth diapers since. This means my Cinderella Man has been rinsing, washing, drying and folding diapers. You would be amazed at how many diapers a little wee one can go through at this age. Those disposable ones are deceiving. In the beginning, while trying to learn our little songbird's sleep, wake, and diapering patterns, Cinderella Man would wash diapers three times a day, along with our other laundry.
For some reason, the dishes seemed to multiply by the number of diapers that also needed to be washed. DJ would do dishes multiple times during the day. We don't have a dishwasher. So, all those dishes were done in the sink by my Cinderella Man, who also did the cooking. He would cook me three square meals a day. Make tea for me, fill up my water bottle, and take care of TJ as well. When I needed to sleep, DJ would hold our beautiful Songbird and entertain our amazing four year old.
Just now, as I was nursing our little bundle of cuteness and joy, I had a coughing fit which is extremely painful due to the injury to my lower spine. I called out to DJ for something wet and quick! He ran to the freezer and pulled out my water bottle and rushed it to me. At some point this morning, DJ had put my water bottle in the freezer. He knows that my preference is to drink cold water instead of room temperature water. He did this for me without me knowing it.
DJ does so many things for me through out the day. I can't even name all of them. But, what is more impressive is his attitude while doing all that he does. He demands that I take this treatment from him, this selfless service, so that I can heal, so that I can be the person I am truly meant to be, one at peace, joy, and in love. Thank you, Cinderella Man! I love you so much! I cannot imagine life without you!
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Overdue
Yesterday, January 5th, was my due date. BUT, today is the one week anniversary of our little baby Bluebird. At 6.35pm she made her appearance. She is incredibly beautiful. I would say that even if she was someone else's baby. She weighed in at 8 pounds 11.8 ounces, and was 20 inches long. She has a head full of black hair. Well, it has been quite a week for us here at the House of J. I will write more later as I have energy. I just wanted to get something posted before my new resolution to start blogging again wanes or gets side-tracked.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Big pain in the ......
The gentle descent of the snow, its glittering sparkles covering every surface of the beautiful outdoors, momentarily takes my mind off of my aches and pains. Man, am I sore! About not having a broken tailbone...I am rethinking that one. It takes me about 30 seconds to stand up just from the pain in my backside. There isn't anything anyone can do about it. The doctor can't x-ray me being that I am pregnant. And I REFUSE any exam of my derriere. I had one of those in 9th grade with my mother watching. Nope. That was the only and LAST time anyone would get the chance to examine my tailbone. Yes, this doggone tailbone keeps biting me in the butt. Twice in 9th grade I biffed it, landing directly on that little triangular bone at the end of my spine. The doctor ordered a "donut" for me to carry with me to every class so that I may sit down. How cool. I only did that for one day. The rest of my recovery was spent sitting on one bent leg or the other. Just in case you have never seen a "donut".... It looks like a cushy, white toilet seat. No flowers, no cool logos, or prints. Now that you have the picture in your mind you can imagine how cool it is for a 9th grader to carry that everywhere. Bet you want one now, don't you?
Some years later, as I mentioned in an earlier post, my little tailbone, which is a big pain in the ...., was broken again while bringing my precious, and incredibly beautiful daughter into this world. Plus my practitioner stitched me up in an unnecessary fashion which produced pain for years until my next baby was delivered. So, for months, I felt decrepit, trying to sit down, get up, walk around, caring for a newborn baby while dealing with things you just don't talk about to other people. I went to my practitioner once to be re-examined. She said everything was fine. I really didn't feel listened to, but hadn't learned that when it comes to doctors that gumption is highly useful. Being 22 years old, what did I know? And who could I talk to? At that time in my life, I was unaware that talking to other women, and finding a support group was highly beneficial emotionally, mentally, and even physically.
But, where was I? Oh yes, being hit by a truck....Well, that's what it feels like. It is a day and a half since I scared my husband nearly to death by banging a beat down the stairs. He opened the door to the stairway as I stood up on one of the last steps, asking me if I was ok. My little four year old was there as well. Both of them looking at me like I really had come back from the dead or that I was truly an alien descended from the starry sky. Two pairs of eyes, wide open to match their mouths, stared at me incredulously. I think they expected me to look more like a Picasso painting than the same nine-months pregnant woman that they knew before. Yes, I was recognizable I think that is why God makes a woman so puffy at the end of her pregnancy. He knows how unsteady we are on our feet. So, He built a ready made cushion by making her body retain extra water and fat to cushion the blows say, for instance, should she fall down a flight of stairs, or off of a curb, or bending over to tie her shoes....and of course to provide nourishment for her and the baby after the birth.
Now, that I am nursing all my aches and pains from the fall I can't decide which would be better, to recover a little more from my bumps and bruises before birthing our girl into this world, or getting it over and done with so that I can recover from my bumps and bruises. Most of the time now, I just pray, "God help me".
Some years later, as I mentioned in an earlier post, my little tailbone, which is a big pain in the ...., was broken again while bringing my precious, and incredibly beautiful daughter into this world. Plus my practitioner stitched me up in an unnecessary fashion which produced pain for years until my next baby was delivered. So, for months, I felt decrepit, trying to sit down, get up, walk around, caring for a newborn baby while dealing with things you just don't talk about to other people. I went to my practitioner once to be re-examined. She said everything was fine. I really didn't feel listened to, but hadn't learned that when it comes to doctors that gumption is highly useful. Being 22 years old, what did I know? And who could I talk to? At that time in my life, I was unaware that talking to other women, and finding a support group was highly beneficial emotionally, mentally, and even physically.
But, where was I? Oh yes, being hit by a truck....Well, that's what it feels like. It is a day and a half since I scared my husband nearly to death by banging a beat down the stairs. He opened the door to the stairway as I stood up on one of the last steps, asking me if I was ok. My little four year old was there as well. Both of them looking at me like I really had come back from the dead or that I was truly an alien descended from the starry sky. Two pairs of eyes, wide open to match their mouths, stared at me incredulously. I think they expected me to look more like a Picasso painting than the same nine-months pregnant woman that they knew before. Yes, I was recognizable I think that is why God makes a woman so puffy at the end of her pregnancy. He knows how unsteady we are on our feet. So, He built a ready made cushion by making her body retain extra water and fat to cushion the blows say, for instance, should she fall down a flight of stairs, or off of a curb, or bending over to tie her shoes....and of course to provide nourishment for her and the baby after the birth.
Now, that I am nursing all my aches and pains from the fall I can't decide which would be better, to recover a little more from my bumps and bruises before birthing our girl into this world, or getting it over and done with so that I can recover from my bumps and bruises. Most of the time now, I just pray, "God help me".
Thursday, December 27, 2012
... My Butt!
Welllll, my butt hurts. I fell down the stairs last night after taking a much needed nap. Being nine months pregnant doesn't help with anything other than looking and feeling nine months pregnant. And my butt hurts. With my first baby, who was also my smallest, I broke my tailbone pushing her out. She was "sunny-side-up", or in a posterior presentation where the back of her head, instead of her face, was pressed against my sacrum and ... my tailbone. I believe she came out so fast that her cute, little head just snapped that tiny, little bone in my butt. I couldn't sit normally, without a ton of pain, for at least 2 years, no kidding. The painful result of landing on my tailbone last night as I made my accelerated decent down the stairs instantly reminded me of my experience on Mother's Day 18.5 years ago. Either my pain tolerance has gone up quite a bit, or I didn't break my tailbone. And I think this is just my fancy way of complaining, just a little bit, about my misfortune.
I am tired of just about all the discomforts of pregnancy. I have been trying to keep my focus on the positive, incredible, and sacred aspects of bringing this soul to this side of life, to bring her earth bound for whatever lay ahead for her Journey. My feet, ankles, and generally every part of my body is swollen and puffy. This happens with every pregnancy. It is just at the end that really gets to me. God has designed pregnancy to prepare us mothers for the birth. Right? Ah, mostly, it is a state of mind. I have been trying to enjoy the presence of our little girl right where she is. Our plan is that this will be our last pregnancy. This will be the last time in my lifetime to feel this state of being, to feel this relationship between my body and that of my child's. So, I have been trying to memorize these last moments before her birth. Redirecting my thoughts, I have been focusing on being the portal between heaven and earth. What an incredible job! What a sacred position to stand in that exact spot where a soul crosses over from heaven, from the heart of God, to begin a Journey, an adventure, here on earth. Then I revert back to, "God, please help my poor aching butt!"
I am tired of just about all the discomforts of pregnancy. I have been trying to keep my focus on the positive, incredible, and sacred aspects of bringing this soul to this side of life, to bring her earth bound for whatever lay ahead for her Journey. My feet, ankles, and generally every part of my body is swollen and puffy. This happens with every pregnancy. It is just at the end that really gets to me. God has designed pregnancy to prepare us mothers for the birth. Right? Ah, mostly, it is a state of mind. I have been trying to enjoy the presence of our little girl right where she is. Our plan is that this will be our last pregnancy. This will be the last time in my lifetime to feel this state of being, to feel this relationship between my body and that of my child's. So, I have been trying to memorize these last moments before her birth. Redirecting my thoughts, I have been focusing on being the portal between heaven and earth. What an incredible job! What a sacred position to stand in that exact spot where a soul crosses over from heaven, from the heart of God, to begin a Journey, an adventure, here on earth. Then I revert back to, "God, please help my poor aching butt!"
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
The desire for Presents and Presence on this Christmas Day!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Brrrrr! It is a supremely cold morning. The dogs gave us that clue when they decided not to be disobedient to our calls and instead ran straight for the dog house to wait to be let into the warm, cozy porch. On this very cold wintery morning, we wait. We wait to open presents. We wait for my daughter to get back from work so that we can open presents. We wait for my other daughter for the arrival of her presence as well.
Do I want to birth a baby on Christmas Day? Sure! Why not? What an awesome Christmas Present! But, what about the "labor" part? Do I really want to go through all that pain on a day of celebration? Well, my desire to see my little girl far exceeds the pain that I will go through to get her here. I ache so much to see her, and touch her, and look into her eyes. The desire is driving me nuts! If I could make this birthing process begin now, I would! She is soooo close. I mean, this is MY body! And I can't make the birth happen? I am a slave to my own body?? She is right there. I can touch her through my belly. But, I can't hold her with my arms, nor touch her soft skin and hair, kiss her cheeks, rub her back, rock her and sing to her. God help me today to be thankful for the presents I am blessed with, and for the presence I am blessed with.
Brrrrr! It is a supremely cold morning. The dogs gave us that clue when they decided not to be disobedient to our calls and instead ran straight for the dog house to wait to be let into the warm, cozy porch. On this very cold wintery morning, we wait. We wait to open presents. We wait for my daughter to get back from work so that we can open presents. We wait for my other daughter for the arrival of her presence as well.
Do I want to birth a baby on Christmas Day? Sure! Why not? What an awesome Christmas Present! But, what about the "labor" part? Do I really want to go through all that pain on a day of celebration? Well, my desire to see my little girl far exceeds the pain that I will go through to get her here. I ache so much to see her, and touch her, and look into her eyes. The desire is driving me nuts! If I could make this birthing process begin now, I would! She is soooo close. I mean, this is MY body! And I can't make the birth happen? I am a slave to my own body?? She is right there. I can touch her through my belly. But, I can't hold her with my arms, nor touch her soft skin and hair, kiss her cheeks, rub her back, rock her and sing to her. God help me today to be thankful for the presents I am blessed with, and for the presence I am blessed with.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Waiting
Just a quick little note here...or not. It is Christmas Eve 2012. Five years ago Jay was diagnosed with leukemia (the bogey man). But, we aren't lamenting that. It is a memory. Maybe, God has healed us enough to get this far. To think of Jay and all the good things, the good memories, and even the memories that were more like living nightmares without being crushed by grief is... a gift. This year I find that I am much more thankful. I feel so full of gratitude for my family, for my husband, my children, and the hope of our future together. I am sad that Jay is not with us physically to share all the fun. But, I really feel him so close by. It is as if I can feel his presence so strongly, more so than if he was walking the earth. What would I rather have? Definitely have Jay here!!! But, I am ok with this leg of his journey with God.
At this moment, I am looking at the clock, seeing that I have only 10 and a half more hours. My greatest gift wish this year is to bring into this world our little girl. Yes, we are pregnant with a little miracle!! Not until recently did I really imagine what it will be like to have this precious person in our lives, in my arms. For the most of the pregnancy I held my breath wondering if it was real, if she was real, or if she would stay long. We have had 6 miscarriages since Jay died. Each one was heartbreaking, confusing, maddening. With each one I wondered what the heck God was doing and WHY. God did lead me. He led me to the various health factors that impeded the continuation of a pregnancy. I also sought spiritual healing thinking that this too added to the miscarriage occurrences. Finally, out of emotional frustration and exhaustion, I said, "One more time and that's it!". Inside I gave up. I made a decision to go on with my life, and other plans for the future. I wasn't going to waste my time anymore with the heartache and loss. Enough was ENOUGH!
Just two or three weeks later I had a dream. I dreamed I was riding in the back of a car with some friends. As I looked out of the car window I saw Mary, the mother of Jesus Christ, standing about 30 feet tall. I asked my companions if they saw her and why they weren't stopping. I couldn't understand why no one else saw her. Suddenly, I found myself outside of the car standing in the road. I walked over to Mary. She handed me a baby bundled up in a linen cloth. She had a look of concern on her face. She looked to be about 45 years old with rough linen and wool on in brown, beige, and cream colored fabric. A week after this dream I discovered I was pregnant.
Now, here we are, waiting for our little bundle of joy. We started praying about 6 weeks ago that she would be born on Christmas Eve. I am not sure why we chose that day. She could come tomorrow too. That would be ok with me. But, I would love to have her today. Just because I prayed for her to come today. I prayed for my first child to be born on Mother's Day. Lo and behold, she was born at 5:38am on Mother's Day. She and I will never forget this and cherish this special bond and gift between us.
So, we wait.
At this moment, I am looking at the clock, seeing that I have only 10 and a half more hours. My greatest gift wish this year is to bring into this world our little girl. Yes, we are pregnant with a little miracle!! Not until recently did I really imagine what it will be like to have this precious person in our lives, in my arms. For the most of the pregnancy I held my breath wondering if it was real, if she was real, or if she would stay long. We have had 6 miscarriages since Jay died. Each one was heartbreaking, confusing, maddening. With each one I wondered what the heck God was doing and WHY. God did lead me. He led me to the various health factors that impeded the continuation of a pregnancy. I also sought spiritual healing thinking that this too added to the miscarriage occurrences. Finally, out of emotional frustration and exhaustion, I said, "One more time and that's it!". Inside I gave up. I made a decision to go on with my life, and other plans for the future. I wasn't going to waste my time anymore with the heartache and loss. Enough was ENOUGH!
Just two or three weeks later I had a dream. I dreamed I was riding in the back of a car with some friends. As I looked out of the car window I saw Mary, the mother of Jesus Christ, standing about 30 feet tall. I asked my companions if they saw her and why they weren't stopping. I couldn't understand why no one else saw her. Suddenly, I found myself outside of the car standing in the road. I walked over to Mary. She handed me a baby bundled up in a linen cloth. She had a look of concern on her face. She looked to be about 45 years old with rough linen and wool on in brown, beige, and cream colored fabric. A week after this dream I discovered I was pregnant.
Now, here we are, waiting for our little bundle of joy. We started praying about 6 weeks ago that she would be born on Christmas Eve. I am not sure why we chose that day. She could come tomorrow too. That would be ok with me. But, I would love to have her today. Just because I prayed for her to come today. I prayed for my first child to be born on Mother's Day. Lo and behold, she was born at 5:38am on Mother's Day. She and I will never forget this and cherish this special bond and gift between us.
So, we wait.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Another Year
Another year (or a little more) has passed in the House of J. At first, it was difficult to write about our lives. Blue J wasn't here. My motivation for just about everything disappeared. About a year ago a little life began to spark again within me. But, times were still tough. And busy.
Three years and 4 months will have passed on the 14th of September since Blue J's death. I view life as "before and after": before he died, and after he died. I died right along with him. Yet, my body still walked the earth. I cried everyday for the first 9 months. Then, slowly, I could get through most of the day without weeping. Then, a day passed where I made it through the whole day without actually crying. Maybe, I would choke up, or get tears in my eyes. I am not sure when I stopped crying everyday. But, there are times when I still grieve, cry, and hate this "after" life. Today is a good example. I read about a 14 year old boy in the news. Blue J would be 14 right now. As soon as I thought about it, I absolutely hated my life. I hated that he was gone. I would rather be stupid and still have him here than to take the journey of enlightenment, of soul-learning, or whatever reason God has for this route my life has taken.
Though I still miss him terribly and think about him all the time, healing has taken place in my heart and soul. This process takes time, and is different for everyone who loses a child, or any loved one. So, here I am, trying to get back onto the writing highway.
This will be all for right now. TJ is sick with a cold. When he first comes down with something he is quite fragile emotionally, quite uncomfortable, and really needs his momma. So, here at the end of this day, this momma is tired. Good night everyone!
Three years and 4 months will have passed on the 14th of September since Blue J's death. I view life as "before and after": before he died, and after he died. I died right along with him. Yet, my body still walked the earth. I cried everyday for the first 9 months. Then, slowly, I could get through most of the day without weeping. Then, a day passed where I made it through the whole day without actually crying. Maybe, I would choke up, or get tears in my eyes. I am not sure when I stopped crying everyday. But, there are times when I still grieve, cry, and hate this "after" life. Today is a good example. I read about a 14 year old boy in the news. Blue J would be 14 right now. As soon as I thought about it, I absolutely hated my life. I hated that he was gone. I would rather be stupid and still have him here than to take the journey of enlightenment, of soul-learning, or whatever reason God has for this route my life has taken.
Though I still miss him terribly and think about him all the time, healing has taken place in my heart and soul. This process takes time, and is different for everyone who loses a child, or any loved one. So, here I am, trying to get back onto the writing highway.
This will be all for right now. TJ is sick with a cold. When he first comes down with something he is quite fragile emotionally, quite uncomfortable, and really needs his momma. So, here at the end of this day, this momma is tired. Good night everyone!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Hell-mate or Help-mate: turning arrows into flowers.
The House of J is on a little family trip to a family wedding. The trip will take about 18 hours which includes the stops along the way. My mother is along, too. So, the ages range from 3 to 71. A teenager is also among the passengers. But, we are having a great time joking around and giving each other a hard time. We had a wonderful stay at the Days Inn. Setting off today for our destination we are all refreshed, feeling renewed by a good night's sleep.
As with many weddings, there are some tensions among certain family members that have arisen over the last few months. Until the last couple of days we had no idea if we would be confronted with these tensions. Where did these tensions come from? This is my theory: When a person's heart is surrounded with pain that they do not know how to handle in healthy ways, that pain comes out sideways. As Richard" Rohr says, "If you do not transform your pain you transmit it". I believe in our situation this is what has happened. Those of us who have been on the receiving end of this transmission of pain have had to then handle the pain. So, how do we handle it? A verse comes to mind, "Bear ye one another's burdens..." Everyone has a choice over how to handle what happens to them. Another verse, "Cast your cares upon Him, for He cares for you..." "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding, in all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your path". The journey of life is not what you DO, but what you percieve, the attitudes you choose, and how you will respond to what happens to you in life. But, how does bearing one another's burdens come into play here? We bear another's burden by NOT taking offense to the transmitted pain. We recognize that the "offense" handed out to us is born from the pain, the hell, that encompasses the other person's heart and mind. As we recognize this pain, this darkness that engulfs your loved one we, then, can choose to be a light. We respond with light. We do this by not returning evil for evil, but by overcoming evil with goodness. We pray...we pray for that other person or persons, the pain that has taken root in their hearts and the misconceptions in their minds that keeps them in pain. We pray for enlightenment, a lightening of their load, and divine understanding of themselves, life, and their painful situation. This sets them free. "And the truth shall set them free..." We continue in prayer, praying for all things, praying with love, praying for true freedom, Light, and love for all those involved in the transmission of pain. "Pray without ceasing".
But, what do you do at tthe moment that your loved one, whether he/she is a family member or friend speaks in a hurtful manner, offends you, slashes at your heart, your relationship? What is your knee-jerk response? When I was younger, in my teen years, I responded in a way that would just hurl the pain right back at the offender. Throwing it back in the offender's face just makes more pain, more darkeness, and does not end the vicious cycle of pain and darkness. Is there a way we can respond that would promote healing, love, put an end to the transmission of pain, and bring light to another's darkness? Yes, there is a way. It is called being mindful. The Bible and the shelves of your local library are full of suggestions in how to be mindful, in how to respond with love, truth, and goodness. There are many steps that you can make that will set you in a personal spiritual milieu continually where your knee-jerk response will be that of Christ, of love, peace, joy, kindness, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, and understanding. When you continually, and persistantly, contemplate, and pray for , the attributes of the Divine Character, the Holy Spirit, the Heart of the Christ, you set up this optimal milieu. You, then, turn the arrows of hurt, pain, anger, and other arrows of darkness into flowers. Your shield of faith (spoken of in the Armor of God in Ephesians) has grown to an enormous size and quenches those firey darts initiated by the Dark One, the Evil One. AND those arrows of darkness are transformed into Light, into flowers. This is the power of Christ, the power of the cross, the power of love.
When beginning this practice of setting yourself up to be mindful, and Christ-filled, you will want to respond otherwise, with that perfect retort that will put that so and so in his place. This is where biting your tongue comes into play. Counting to ten works. Using the power of your imagination can be very helpful. As you persist in your contemplation of mindfulness of love, the desire to lash back and for that feeling of retribution will fade away. In its place will be understanding, compassion, and a desire to heal, to help, to transform another's pain and darkness into wholeness, and enlightenment.
We can join another's personal hell, becoming their hellmate, returning evil for evil, making their darkness deeper, and more intense, or we can become their helpmate, helping them out of their miry pit, bearing their burden as they heal and overcome the offenses transmitted to them, being a light in their darkness, and lifting them up to join you in the journey of light.
As with many weddings, there are some tensions among certain family members that have arisen over the last few months. Until the last couple of days we had no idea if we would be confronted with these tensions. Where did these tensions come from? This is my theory: When a person's heart is surrounded with pain that they do not know how to handle in healthy ways, that pain comes out sideways. As Richard" Rohr says, "If you do not transform your pain you transmit it". I believe in our situation this is what has happened. Those of us who have been on the receiving end of this transmission of pain have had to then handle the pain. So, how do we handle it? A verse comes to mind, "Bear ye one another's burdens..." Everyone has a choice over how to handle what happens to them. Another verse, "Cast your cares upon Him, for He cares for you..." "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding, in all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your path". The journey of life is not what you DO, but what you percieve, the attitudes you choose, and how you will respond to what happens to you in life. But, how does bearing one another's burdens come into play here? We bear another's burden by NOT taking offense to the transmitted pain. We recognize that the "offense" handed out to us is born from the pain, the hell, that encompasses the other person's heart and mind. As we recognize this pain, this darkness that engulfs your loved one we, then, can choose to be a light. We respond with light. We do this by not returning evil for evil, but by overcoming evil with goodness. We pray...we pray for that other person or persons, the pain that has taken root in their hearts and the misconceptions in their minds that keeps them in pain. We pray for enlightenment, a lightening of their load, and divine understanding of themselves, life, and their painful situation. This sets them free. "And the truth shall set them free..." We continue in prayer, praying for all things, praying with love, praying for true freedom, Light, and love for all those involved in the transmission of pain. "Pray without ceasing".
But, what do you do at tthe moment that your loved one, whether he/she is a family member or friend speaks in a hurtful manner, offends you, slashes at your heart, your relationship? What is your knee-jerk response? When I was younger, in my teen years, I responded in a way that would just hurl the pain right back at the offender. Throwing it back in the offender's face just makes more pain, more darkeness, and does not end the vicious cycle of pain and darkness. Is there a way we can respond that would promote healing, love, put an end to the transmission of pain, and bring light to another's darkness? Yes, there is a way. It is called being mindful. The Bible and the shelves of your local library are full of suggestions in how to be mindful, in how to respond with love, truth, and goodness. There are many steps that you can make that will set you in a personal spiritual milieu continually where your knee-jerk response will be that of Christ, of love, peace, joy, kindness, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, and understanding. When you continually, and persistantly, contemplate, and pray for , the attributes of the Divine Character, the Holy Spirit, the Heart of the Christ, you set up this optimal milieu. You, then, turn the arrows of hurt, pain, anger, and other arrows of darkness into flowers. Your shield of faith (spoken of in the Armor of God in Ephesians) has grown to an enormous size and quenches those firey darts initiated by the Dark One, the Evil One. AND those arrows of darkness are transformed into Light, into flowers. This is the power of Christ, the power of the cross, the power of love.
When beginning this practice of setting yourself up to be mindful, and Christ-filled, you will want to respond otherwise, with that perfect retort that will put that so and so in his place. This is where biting your tongue comes into play. Counting to ten works. Using the power of your imagination can be very helpful. As you persist in your contemplation of mindfulness of love, the desire to lash back and for that feeling of retribution will fade away. In its place will be understanding, compassion, and a desire to heal, to help, to transform another's pain and darkness into wholeness, and enlightenment.
We can join another's personal hell, becoming their hellmate, returning evil for evil, making their darkness deeper, and more intense, or we can become their helpmate, helping them out of their miry pit, bearing their burden as they heal and overcome the offenses transmitted to them, being a light in their darkness, and lifting them up to join you in the journey of light.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Return
Wow! It has been over a year since I last put a post. I had such good intentions when I started this blog. I thought that writing would be cathartic for me. But, I found myself just not wanting to think about things, finding excuses and distractions. I couldn't tell you if I am doing better or worse since the last entry. All I know is that the real me is some where between here and heaven, reaching for Jay. I don't know if I am depressed or just lost somewhere in space. There are things that make me happy. But, that prevailing grief, that intense longing for my son is always there, heavy in my heart. I still cannot get over the feeling that he was not supposed to die. He is supposed to be here.
The House of J continues to move on, sort of. We have made a move. DJ has gone back to school, and really enjoys it. We live much closer to my mom which is good for all of us. I have been able to reconnect with her, and so have the kids. We live futher out in the country where we can have the horses right outside our door, instead of driving over 20 minutes to visit them, and work with them. The "sort of" part comes in where my feelings of loss and being lost appear. I miss my old town so much, and all of my friends, the small community life and comradery. So, another loss, another ache in my heart has taken up residence.
To get through the move, the feeling of loss, I just keep trusting God. I don't know everything. I have no idea how He sees my life, or how it will turn out and what is best. So, I follow His lead, listen to my gut instinct, my intuition, and trust that God knows what He is doing. I take a "wait and see" policy in my faith. I have not been disappointed with God in the long run, nor has my policy failed me. When I don't have answers I just keep waiting. I know that someday, the answers will come. I will see clearly, ...and my aching heart will be healed.
The House of J continues to move on, sort of. We have made a move. DJ has gone back to school, and really enjoys it. We live much closer to my mom which is good for all of us. I have been able to reconnect with her, and so have the kids. We live futher out in the country where we can have the horses right outside our door, instead of driving over 20 minutes to visit them, and work with them. The "sort of" part comes in where my feelings of loss and being lost appear. I miss my old town so much, and all of my friends, the small community life and comradery. So, another loss, another ache in my heart has taken up residence.
To get through the move, the feeling of loss, I just keep trusting God. I don't know everything. I have no idea how He sees my life, or how it will turn out and what is best. So, I follow His lead, listen to my gut instinct, my intuition, and trust that God knows what He is doing. I take a "wait and see" policy in my faith. I have not been disappointed with God in the long run, nor has my policy failed me. When I don't have answers I just keep waiting. I know that someday, the answers will come. I will see clearly, ...and my aching heart will be healed.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Ground breaking
TJ helps with Willow standing in the background.
Buddy drops his ball in the hole to see if it is deep enough. No, not really. Buddy just thinks this will get one of us to throw the ball for him. He has a "run" track mind. All he wants to do is run after his ball.
What a big boy!
Willow gets a permanent spot to grow and reach toward the heavens.
Flowers for Willow, kind of like a "home" warming gift, from TJ.
Willow gets a drink after all that hard work.
All done! That was fun!
We had a great time planting Willow. Doing this with TJ's enthusiasm for life and discovery brought joy and Light to Jay's birthday. What could have been a very sad day turned out to be a bright day full of joy, memories of Jay, and making a new memory. Next year, at this time, we will remember what we did on Jay's birthday. We won't remember the sadness, but the turning of the titanic. We opened up our hearts and lives for God's light to shine in and turn our sorrow into joy, to bring another depth to our healing.
I did get balloons for Jay, of which TJ helped pick them out.
We enjoyed our day. I wasn't any more heartbroken than usual. I had a great sense of wonder and gratitude that God should have even let me have Jay 12 years ago. I am even more aware of what a miracle Jay is and what a blessing April 27th, 1998 was for us.
We will keep you updated on Willow's progress. Now that I know how to get some pictures on here I will try to give you all a tour of our lives here in the House of J.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Transformation
The House of J has begun to transform. The J's are moving right along the journey of life. We have all decided to live! I know that sounds morbid, and even scary to hear someone say. After Jay died, crossed over to the Other Side, into the beautiful Kingdom of Light, death looked so good. Okay, maybe, I was the only one thinking it. I haven't surveyed the household. TJ had "living" on his little-boy-list of things to do. The sadness, though, in the rest of us, saturated every word, every activity, every breath taken. But, as time has passed God has shown us the Light here on this earth and in our lives. He has shown us the Light to come, also.
So, now that we have decided to join the living, we have, also, decided to do it exuberantly, with gusto, and with as much of God's Light removing the sadness and replacing it with a sense of courage, adventure, joy, wisdom, and incredible love.
Both DJ and I have desired to plant flowers. So, with his handy-dandy tiller, DJ dug up a beautiful spot next to the road. All of the J's helped in the planting of petunia's and viola's. We are so excited each time a new bud opens up to radiate its color on our world. Next to the house, six wonderful roses have been planted. I just love roses. I am not sure why. I just love them. I love to take care of them. They take a lot of nurturing and mothering. I think that is why I love them so much. I love being a mother.
This Tuesday will be Jay's birthday. He would have been 12. To celebrate we are going to make a chocolate cake. In Jay's honor, we are going to plant a weeping willow tree in the backyard. I suggested to CC that we could name the tree something like... Willow.
Each of these activities are decisions made by us to live. We can float through life wishing for night to fall, our bodies to fall into bed, and our minds to fall away from the present, from a reality we rather not acknowledge, or we can take an active part in shaping our reality. Instead of just letting life happen to us, we can make life happen for us. Every decision made carries us down a certain path. Where do we want to end up? Depression road just leads to a dead-end. Every decision, no matter how small, carries with it the power to change our lives and the lives around us. We can take responsiblity for our present condition, grab hold of the helm and turn the titanic around. It takes a little time, but it can be done.
The first step is to create a smile. Start one on your own face. If you prefer, you can practice in the mirror first when no one is looking. Next, step it up to smiling at the cat or dog. They are pretty nonjudgmental. After you are comfortable with the smile on your face, share it with your family. Next, move on to someone who has a scowl or frown. This can be a challenge. But, when you get a smile in return the boost you get acts just like that Crest Whitening stuff. Your own smile becomes brighter. After you have gone this far, pick upa joke book. Memorize a few good jokes and start telling them! Your smile may get promoted to a laugh!
Yes, the journey of a thousand miles (or of a life well lived) begins with one step. Begin it with a smile.
So, now that we have decided to join the living, we have, also, decided to do it exuberantly, with gusto, and with as much of God's Light removing the sadness and replacing it with a sense of courage, adventure, joy, wisdom, and incredible love.
Both DJ and I have desired to plant flowers. So, with his handy-dandy tiller, DJ dug up a beautiful spot next to the road. All of the J's helped in the planting of petunia's and viola's. We are so excited each time a new bud opens up to radiate its color on our world. Next to the house, six wonderful roses have been planted. I just love roses. I am not sure why. I just love them. I love to take care of them. They take a lot of nurturing and mothering. I think that is why I love them so much. I love being a mother.
This Tuesday will be Jay's birthday. He would have been 12. To celebrate we are going to make a chocolate cake. In Jay's honor, we are going to plant a weeping willow tree in the backyard. I suggested to CC that we could name the tree something like... Willow.
Each of these activities are decisions made by us to live. We can float through life wishing for night to fall, our bodies to fall into bed, and our minds to fall away from the present, from a reality we rather not acknowledge, or we can take an active part in shaping our reality. Instead of just letting life happen to us, we can make life happen for us. Every decision made carries us down a certain path. Where do we want to end up? Depression road just leads to a dead-end. Every decision, no matter how small, carries with it the power to change our lives and the lives around us. We can take responsiblity for our present condition, grab hold of the helm and turn the titanic around. It takes a little time, but it can be done.
The first step is to create a smile. Start one on your own face. If you prefer, you can practice in the mirror first when no one is looking. Next, step it up to smiling at the cat or dog. They are pretty nonjudgmental. After you are comfortable with the smile on your face, share it with your family. Next, move on to someone who has a scowl or frown. This can be a challenge. But, when you get a smile in return the boost you get acts just like that Crest Whitening stuff. Your own smile becomes brighter. After you have gone this far, pick upa joke book. Memorize a few good jokes and start telling them! Your smile may get promoted to a laugh!
Yes, the journey of a thousand miles (or of a life well lived) begins with one step. Begin it with a smile.
Friday, February 26, 2010
The Greatest Nation...the Imagination
Hi Ron! I haven't heard from you in awhile...I figured you got buried underneath a bunch of snow. It is a big deal for Dallas to get hit with snow. So, what happens when it snows down there? Do the bad guys hunker down until the snow goes away, or do they act up even more than usual?
I think, Ron, that you would do great in the "American Siberia". You cops have to adapt and adjust to all kinds of situations. You could most definitely tackle a snow drift.
I can rememember the tea in Texas. Texans really love their tea. And really, it tastes so much better in Texas, too. Even if we did sun tea here, it wouldn't be the same. Minnesota doesn't have the kind of climate as Texas. Oven-like temperatures are best for Texas tea.
So, you have to build a planter, huh? Well, think of it as an adventure....You are on a deserted island. You have to build this planter in order to save your life because the only thing that will keep you alive is....tomatoes. You know that if you can grow tomatoes you will have an endless supply of super energy, and be able to finally harness the tomatoes protective serum. You need that serum to ward off those horrible poisonous insects that are on the island. But, wait...you notice a beautiful stranger, a native of the island (your wife...but, this all imaginary, you know. She gets to play the beautiful native woman.) With the masterfully built planter and the super tomatoes, you will be able to befriend her, win her trust, and even... her love... Ron, if I were you, I would get busy building that planter. You know, you could get a bunch of Texas mosquitoes, buy a couple of palm trees down there, (go ahead and even get a few coconuts from the grocery store) and you could set up your "island" in the backyard. Texas surely is hot enough. I bet you could make your wife laugh. And you would have fun!
The imagination is the greastest nation in the world. I have a very vivid imagination. I can create all kinds of fun when I not busy griping and complaining and licking my wounds. When Jay was healthy we had a little weekend paper route called the Valley Shopper. CC and Jay often didn't want to do the route. There was always something else more fun to do. So, what I would do, is pretend we were secret agents smuggling Bibles and other messages to missionaries in foreign countries where we couldn't be seen. The papers were a disguise for our "messages" and "Bibles". We would run as fast as we could from house to house.
I would take them in our van. When they got back to the van, they were running to keep from being seen by the bad guys, I would keep the side door open. They would JUMP into the van. Sometimes, I would press on the gas just a little so that they would flop into their seats. They thought this was so much fun and kind of added to the game. When we would go to the next block they would have to shut the doors as quickly as possible and get seat belted and HANG ON. I didn't go fast but, it was the idea. We would pretend we had to get out of that "district" as fast as we could so that we wouldn't get caught. This imaginary game helped them get through a task that they didn't like. And they had tons of fun. Now, we have good memories to look back on.
Anna, I would love to have little tea party like you described! Including laughing until fake tea was coming out of my nose! Now, today is the real tea party. I am going to observe everyone to see if they really hold their pinkies out. hehehe...and I am going to intentionally hold my little pinky out, just to see if they notice. I know that they sometimes read my caringbridge updates. :-)
After chocolate, my imagination and sense of humor help me get through the tough times, the hard times. I use these coping mechanisms to not think about what I do not have.
Lent is upon us for those of you that observe Lent. My goal for Lent, no...I am NOT giving up chocolate...is to find things to be thankful for. But, I want to take it up a notch. I usually gripe about this old house we live in. Actually, it is a beautiful, Victorian-style house (on the inside). It is roomy and has lots of potential. So, see there, this is what I mean. Instead of griping, and saying "thank You, God", I want to go a step further by listing as many good things about each thing I am thankful for. Also, for Lent, I am going to try to focus on healing...whatever kind of healing God wants to give. This means I will need to use a pry-bar to even let a little Light into my heart and soul. I kind of shut everything up tight since Jay died. I am not sure when that happened. I just know that it did. Jay crossing over to the Kingdom of Light really threw me for a loop as far as God is concerned. I didn't turn away from God. I just got confused, and angry. Very angry. So, there you have it. My public statement of my Lenten goals. Now, you all can keep me on my toes by asking me if I am sticking to them.
I send my love out to all of you...those reading this and those who have in the past. I hope you pass it on. Love is the easiest thing to donate and doesn't cost a dime. Love ya...
~Heidi
I think, Ron, that you would do great in the "American Siberia". You cops have to adapt and adjust to all kinds of situations. You could most definitely tackle a snow drift.
I can rememember the tea in Texas. Texans really love their tea. And really, it tastes so much better in Texas, too. Even if we did sun tea here, it wouldn't be the same. Minnesota doesn't have the kind of climate as Texas. Oven-like temperatures are best for Texas tea.
So, you have to build a planter, huh? Well, think of it as an adventure....You are on a deserted island. You have to build this planter in order to save your life because the only thing that will keep you alive is....tomatoes. You know that if you can grow tomatoes you will have an endless supply of super energy, and be able to finally harness the tomatoes protective serum. You need that serum to ward off those horrible poisonous insects that are on the island. But, wait...you notice a beautiful stranger, a native of the island (your wife...but, this all imaginary, you know. She gets to play the beautiful native woman.) With the masterfully built planter and the super tomatoes, you will be able to befriend her, win her trust, and even... her love... Ron, if I were you, I would get busy building that planter. You know, you could get a bunch of Texas mosquitoes, buy a couple of palm trees down there, (go ahead and even get a few coconuts from the grocery store) and you could set up your "island" in the backyard. Texas surely is hot enough. I bet you could make your wife laugh. And you would have fun!
The imagination is the greastest nation in the world. I have a very vivid imagination. I can create all kinds of fun when I not busy griping and complaining and licking my wounds. When Jay was healthy we had a little weekend paper route called the Valley Shopper. CC and Jay often didn't want to do the route. There was always something else more fun to do. So, what I would do, is pretend we were secret agents smuggling Bibles and other messages to missionaries in foreign countries where we couldn't be seen. The papers were a disguise for our "messages" and "Bibles". We would run as fast as we could from house to house.
I would take them in our van. When they got back to the van, they were running to keep from being seen by the bad guys, I would keep the side door open. They would JUMP into the van. Sometimes, I would press on the gas just a little so that they would flop into their seats. They thought this was so much fun and kind of added to the game. When we would go to the next block they would have to shut the doors as quickly as possible and get seat belted and HANG ON. I didn't go fast but, it was the idea. We would pretend we had to get out of that "district" as fast as we could so that we wouldn't get caught. This imaginary game helped them get through a task that they didn't like. And they had tons of fun. Now, we have good memories to look back on.
Anna, I would love to have little tea party like you described! Including laughing until fake tea was coming out of my nose! Now, today is the real tea party. I am going to observe everyone to see if they really hold their pinkies out. hehehe...and I am going to intentionally hold my little pinky out, just to see if they notice. I know that they sometimes read my caringbridge updates. :-)
After chocolate, my imagination and sense of humor help me get through the tough times, the hard times. I use these coping mechanisms to not think about what I do not have.
Lent is upon us for those of you that observe Lent. My goal for Lent, no...I am NOT giving up chocolate...is to find things to be thankful for. But, I want to take it up a notch. I usually gripe about this old house we live in. Actually, it is a beautiful, Victorian-style house (on the inside). It is roomy and has lots of potential. So, see there, this is what I mean. Instead of griping, and saying "thank You, God", I want to go a step further by listing as many good things about each thing I am thankful for. Also, for Lent, I am going to try to focus on healing...whatever kind of healing God wants to give. This means I will need to use a pry-bar to even let a little Light into my heart and soul. I kind of shut everything up tight since Jay died. I am not sure when that happened. I just know that it did. Jay crossing over to the Kingdom of Light really threw me for a loop as far as God is concerned. I didn't turn away from God. I just got confused, and angry. Very angry. So, there you have it. My public statement of my Lenten goals. Now, you all can keep me on my toes by asking me if I am sticking to them.
I send my love out to all of you...those reading this and those who have in the past. I hope you pass it on. Love is the easiest thing to donate and doesn't cost a dime. Love ya...
~Heidi
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tea Party
Hi Anna...a tea party with small people? Umm, do you mean children? I missed out when I was little. I didn't even know what a tea party was until just a few years ago!
Let me tell you about these tea parties....No, not the political kind...Beautiful tea parties...
I have a friend who has an amazing gift of hospitality. She is a beautiful woman with some German ancestry that she puts to good use. My friend has collections of the most beautiful china sets. I think most are antique. But, she gets them out for us (myself and a couple of other friends and our daughters). She sets the table with the most delectable goodies. (I eat a ton of them when I go over there). Tea, coffee, hot chocolate, apple cider, ice water are all choices set out for us to fill our tea cups, or the beautiful glasses that she also has set out. Just to look at the arrangement of fruit, dips, cookies, turtle cheese cake, chex mix, and chocolates set beautifully in the midst of the most beautiful china and silverware is EYE-CANDY.
My friend has the personality to go with all of this hospitality. She is vibrant, energetic, and wise and funny all wrapped up in one person! My other friends are just as beautiful with the tenderness, wisdom, and transparency that they bring.
I love going to these tea parties because it makes me feel like a girl. I don't often get a chance to dress up. In Minnesota, the American Siberia, jeans and layers and layers of clothing are my choice, whatever is the warmest. But, I feel like getting "dolled" up for the tea parties.
At these tea parties, we laugh, we cry, we encourage, we pray... These Christian ladies bring all that they are to the table, so to speak, and share in vulnerablity and trust. What is on the table is just a manifestation of what has happened around the table. Friendship was planted, and has blossomed, and continues to grow and strengthen.
Can you see why these tea parties help me carry the load? These ladies walked with me through so many struggles, even through all the cancer treatment with Jay.
We have been having the tea parties for a few years now. This partying goes on just about every week. Not everybody can make it. Me? Well, I have to work around Dennis's and CC's work schedules and Toby's naptime. Sometimes, Toby comes along (he is a busy boy, though, and tea time for him can be a challenge). Sometimes, the gathering needs to be post-poned for another week. But, we still meet together.
We all need other people, a community. God did not create us to be alone. Otherwise, there would be just one person on this earth. Now, how boring would that be??
The way I was raised, pain, tears, troubles, were all ignored, scolded, or ridiculed. I learned to hide my feelings, and keep my troubles to myself growing up. We lived in the country. So, I took very long walks with my dog in the woods. (never thought about wild animals. hmm...nothing ever showed itself either). I would even go in the middle of the night for these walks whether it was Winter, Summer, or Spring, or Fall. Ok, I didn't go during hunting season. But, I learned to keep to myself, hide in my room, or go off by myself in the woods.
That coping mechanism is still around. I "hole" myself up, or isolate myself from others. I guess I don't know how to handle pain around other people. Is it our culture, or is it just me? Anyway, the cure seems to be, for me, to get out of my "hole" and get around people, the very thing that is uncomfortable for me to do. I have to use everything I have got to do this. Writing on here helps give me some footing. When others reach out to me, that helps. Ultimately, I have to get out of myself and give my rear a good push.
But, when you have a tea party like the one I have described above, how can one resist? Especially, when there is chocolate. I forgot to mention chocolate. Have I ever told you about how I feel about chocolate? It is a great coping tool. So, friends, eye-candy, goodies including chocolate pull me out of my house and down the street a couple of blocks to my dear friend's Victorian dwelling. Inside, there is the best cure of all, love.
~Heidi
Let me tell you about these tea parties....No, not the political kind...Beautiful tea parties...
I have a friend who has an amazing gift of hospitality. She is a beautiful woman with some German ancestry that she puts to good use. My friend has collections of the most beautiful china sets. I think most are antique. But, she gets them out for us (myself and a couple of other friends and our daughters). She sets the table with the most delectable goodies. (I eat a ton of them when I go over there). Tea, coffee, hot chocolate, apple cider, ice water are all choices set out for us to fill our tea cups, or the beautiful glasses that she also has set out. Just to look at the arrangement of fruit, dips, cookies, turtle cheese cake, chex mix, and chocolates set beautifully in the midst of the most beautiful china and silverware is EYE-CANDY.
My friend has the personality to go with all of this hospitality. She is vibrant, energetic, and wise and funny all wrapped up in one person! My other friends are just as beautiful with the tenderness, wisdom, and transparency that they bring.
I love going to these tea parties because it makes me feel like a girl. I don't often get a chance to dress up. In Minnesota, the American Siberia, jeans and layers and layers of clothing are my choice, whatever is the warmest. But, I feel like getting "dolled" up for the tea parties.
At these tea parties, we laugh, we cry, we encourage, we pray... These Christian ladies bring all that they are to the table, so to speak, and share in vulnerablity and trust. What is on the table is just a manifestation of what has happened around the table. Friendship was planted, and has blossomed, and continues to grow and strengthen.
Can you see why these tea parties help me carry the load? These ladies walked with me through so many struggles, even through all the cancer treatment with Jay.
We have been having the tea parties for a few years now. This partying goes on just about every week. Not everybody can make it. Me? Well, I have to work around Dennis's and CC's work schedules and Toby's naptime. Sometimes, Toby comes along (he is a busy boy, though, and tea time for him can be a challenge). Sometimes, the gathering needs to be post-poned for another week. But, we still meet together.
We all need other people, a community. God did not create us to be alone. Otherwise, there would be just one person on this earth. Now, how boring would that be??
The way I was raised, pain, tears, troubles, were all ignored, scolded, or ridiculed. I learned to hide my feelings, and keep my troubles to myself growing up. We lived in the country. So, I took very long walks with my dog in the woods. (never thought about wild animals. hmm...nothing ever showed itself either). I would even go in the middle of the night for these walks whether it was Winter, Summer, or Spring, or Fall. Ok, I didn't go during hunting season. But, I learned to keep to myself, hide in my room, or go off by myself in the woods.
That coping mechanism is still around. I "hole" myself up, or isolate myself from others. I guess I don't know how to handle pain around other people. Is it our culture, or is it just me? Anyway, the cure seems to be, for me, to get out of my "hole" and get around people, the very thing that is uncomfortable for me to do. I have to use everything I have got to do this. Writing on here helps give me some footing. When others reach out to me, that helps. Ultimately, I have to get out of myself and give my rear a good push.
But, when you have a tea party like the one I have described above, how can one resist? Especially, when there is chocolate. I forgot to mention chocolate. Have I ever told you about how I feel about chocolate? It is a great coping tool. So, friends, eye-candy, goodies including chocolate pull me out of my house and down the street a couple of blocks to my dear friend's Victorian dwelling. Inside, there is the best cure of all, love.
~Heidi
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Happiness
A few weeks ago I looked up what the name, Jay, meant. It means, Happy. What a fitting name for Jay. He was a happy child since the moment he was born, even before that. When I was pregnant with him I laughed quite a bit. I am not a giggly sort of person. But, when I was pregnant with Jay I laughed a lot, out loud, good belly laughs. Jay was with me. We had a good connection even then. Jay was smiling from the moment he was born. I will never forget that. The nurse-midwife couldn't get him to cry. He just smiled and looked up at me. It was so cool. And he continued to smile his whole life. He was that kind of kid.
Happiness is such an elusive thing. I know that we look for it in places where it is not. We take a lifetime to find it. Some people are successful at finding it and holding onto it. Some are not. Happiness is defined differently by everyone. Well, whatever the case may be, I have a plan. I plan on finding happiness and never letting go. I haven't figured out how to be happy all the time, or everyday. I am not sure I even have my own definition of happiness.
I have always loved God, for as long as I can remember. When I was very little He was the Boss of the Justice League (you know, the Super Heroes). So, God is very much part of my happiness factor. I love having a family. I always wanted to have children and lots of them. Children, even when they are full grown, are incredible gifts. Well, they are incredible, just plain and simple. How can I not be happy when I have so many children in my life?
The pain of losing Jay really makes it hard to enjoy all the gifts, (family, children, friends, home, any blessing, really), God has given me. That pain weakens me. It is like a wound. I am waiting for God to heal me. Until then, I think I will pray for some kind of pain killer from Heaven. I don't know what that would be. God has all kinds of things that help us through the worst moments, phases, stages, or years of our lives. Blue Jays, Blue birds, Poems, friends, tea parties...they all help me carry the load.
Here is another poem I got in the mail:
Blue Jay
How Beautiful My Love,
How you are with such grace,
A presence so adored,
Such a cherished face,
How you fly so free
On the wind and through the sky,
I see you smile, I hear you sing,
And wonder why oh why can't I?
Your colors are so vibrant,
You shine, you are so bright,
I watch with joy and envy,
As you flawlessly take flight.
In anticipation of summer,
You come out every spring,
Desplaying all your splender,
You are the beauty in everything,
When summer ends, my love,
I wish that you could stay,
But fly away you must,
You are beautiful, my Blue Jay
~Heidi
Happiness is such an elusive thing. I know that we look for it in places where it is not. We take a lifetime to find it. Some people are successful at finding it and holding onto it. Some are not. Happiness is defined differently by everyone. Well, whatever the case may be, I have a plan. I plan on finding happiness and never letting go. I haven't figured out how to be happy all the time, or everyday. I am not sure I even have my own definition of happiness.
I have always loved God, for as long as I can remember. When I was very little He was the Boss of the Justice League (you know, the Super Heroes). So, God is very much part of my happiness factor. I love having a family. I always wanted to have children and lots of them. Children, even when they are full grown, are incredible gifts. Well, they are incredible, just plain and simple. How can I not be happy when I have so many children in my life?
The pain of losing Jay really makes it hard to enjoy all the gifts, (family, children, friends, home, any blessing, really), God has given me. That pain weakens me. It is like a wound. I am waiting for God to heal me. Until then, I think I will pray for some kind of pain killer from Heaven. I don't know what that would be. God has all kinds of things that help us through the worst moments, phases, stages, or years of our lives. Blue Jays, Blue birds, Poems, friends, tea parties...they all help me carry the load.
Here is another poem I got in the mail:
Blue Jay
How Beautiful My Love,
How you are with such grace,
A presence so adored,
Such a cherished face,
How you fly so free
On the wind and through the sky,
I see you smile, I hear you sing,
And wonder why oh why can't I?
Your colors are so vibrant,
You shine, you are so bright,
I watch with joy and envy,
As you flawlessly take flight.
In anticipation of summer,
You come out every spring,
Desplaying all your splender,
You are the beauty in everything,
When summer ends, my love,
I wish that you could stay,
But fly away you must,
You are beautiful, my Blue Jay
~Heidi
Sunday, February 21, 2010
House of What?
House of what? This is the House of J! I picked "J" because I am trying to transfer over to my blog site instead of Caringbridge. I started out writing about my beautiful boy, Jay. He battled Leukemia for a year and a half before he crossed over into the Kingdom of Light (heaven). So, this blog is the continuing story of our lives after our battle with cancer and losing Jay.
I recently looked up the name, Jay, on the internet. The meaning is quite significant. It means "happy". Jay chose to be called by his middle name after we got to the Cities and started to prepare for a bone marrow transplant. He eventually got dubbed, "Officer Jay". (hmmm...Officer Happy) His first name is Harrison which means strong ruler or leader. Jay is definitely strong. But, the name switch makes me think.
Jay switched his middle name because his grandfather was a role model for him. My dad, whose name is Jay, who my son was named after, was a police officer. Jay's dream was to be a police officer when he grew up. This is why he switched to his middle name. But, I think it was Jay's way of saying that he was a changed boy, a changed person. I, also, think it is quite significant that the name, Jay, means "happy".
So, why just the letter "J" instead of "J-a-y"? Well, our last name begins with J. The blog is about more than just Jay. It is about all of us "J's".
My hope is that our home, our house, changes and becomes a happy place, a happy home. The House of Happiness. The House of J.
I recently looked up the name, Jay, on the internet. The meaning is quite significant. It means "happy". Jay chose to be called by his middle name after we got to the Cities and started to prepare for a bone marrow transplant. He eventually got dubbed, "Officer Jay". (hmmm...Officer Happy) His first name is Harrison which means strong ruler or leader. Jay is definitely strong. But, the name switch makes me think.
Jay switched his middle name because his grandfather was a role model for him. My dad, whose name is Jay, who my son was named after, was a police officer. Jay's dream was to be a police officer when he grew up. This is why he switched to his middle name. But, I think it was Jay's way of saying that he was a changed boy, a changed person. I, also, think it is quite significant that the name, Jay, means "happy".
So, why just the letter "J" instead of "J-a-y"? Well, our last name begins with J. The blog is about more than just Jay. It is about all of us "J's".
My hope is that our home, our house, changes and becomes a happy place, a happy home. The House of Happiness. The House of J.
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