Today, Jay would be 16 years old. Sixteen years ago I was huge with my beautiful boy preparing to make his way into the world. At 5:35 pm, right after supper, I felt my first real contraction. I remember sitting on my bed looking at the clock wondering if this was it. I was 5 days overdue and felt like I would be perpetually pregnant, forever. But, later, 5 hours and 59 minutes later, Jay was born. When he saw me, he smiled. I'll never forget it. He didn't cry. The nurse-midwife tried to get him to cry. But, he didn't. My first thought when I saw him was, "I had a football player!". His arms were muscular and broad. He was huge in so many ways, not like his sister who was so petite and dainty. And he was fair skinned, like a peach. He was my little drop of sunshine, my ray of sunshine in my life. A miracle. Just like his sister.
Five years ago, we celebrated his last birthday on the earth. He just wanted to be a kid, to play and not have any life and death worries. He wanted to play with his dog, Buddy; ride his bike, and his new dirt bike. He had his life planned out. What 10 and eleven year olds have their lives planned out? Jay was going to become a police officer, move to the "cities", and get on the SWAT team. He was going to get married and have kids. He had it all planned out. Well, most of his dreams came true....except for finding a nice girl to marry and having his own kids. My grandkids. I never got to meet my daughter-in-law.
He got a lot of toys and such that he never got to play with, on his last birthday. He died 17 days later. I am still mad about it. VERY mad. I don't care what I learned from all of it, or what blessings of wisdom and spiritual freedom came because of his death. I rather be STUPID and still have my beautiful boy here. Always. But, nope. God doesn't see it that way. Oh, I am going to have a talk with God when I get my turn to cross over to the Other Side. I have been telling God what I think since Jay died. God will get to hear it my entire life. I'm pissed. Like you wouldn't believe. Jerk. I don't care if Jesus died on the cross and all that other nonsense. I still want my son! Do I love God? Sure. But, I am pissed at the events, that it even happened at all. And with life, whatever happens, it always is the human's fault. God takes no responsiblity. Ever. Well, hey, this time, He ain't gettin' off scott free.
Harrison Jay, beautiful boy, wherever you are, I love you. I miss you with all that I've got and more. I would have gladly died in your spot, given you my life spark so you could live a full life. But, I know you would be living with the pain of not having your mother. Of the two of us, I am so very thankful that I bear the pain of losing you instead of you, as a young boy bearing the pain of losing your mother. God help us both.
----------------------------------------------------
I started this blog because I love to write. I thought it would do something to help, to be a benefit somehow to me. But, writing makes me face my pain, my loss, and a whole lot of other things that are so heavy, too heavy. It is easier to push to the back burner the pain from my life. But, doing the same thing over and over will not bring different results. Again, God help me.
Time to start doing something different in my life, with my life, with my self. We will see what happens. If anyone is reading this I hope that you, too, can find a new path, or a new way to walk on your path that brings more life and abundance to you.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Monday, January 14, 2013
The Last First Day!
Ah, I woke up this morning jammed between my children, nursing my newborn and my four year old plastered against my back (he claims he can't sleep any other way). This precious moment in the soft darkness of the early morning hour also tingled with anticipation and excitement. Today is the Last First Day! Later in the morning my wonderful husband, DJ, a.k.a Cinderella Man, will be heading off to the first day of classes of his last semester before he graduates. We dubbed today as the Last First Day. We are on the brink of new chapter in our lives. Being on the last page of the present chapter we can see a fresh new beginning, a new start.
This stretch of the journey has had its difficulties. It was precipitated by the affliction of the Bogey Man: the fight against cancer. While helping Jay fight for his life we built up some sizable debt. When we got back home after his death we struggled to pay this debt. Looking at all of our options we decided that DJ finishing his degree, which would increase his wage earning capabilities, was the best route to take. It was that, or head into bankruptcy, eventually. We sold our house and moved closer to the University where he is now set to finish in May. Living off of financial aid, income from a part-time job, and getting some assistance from the state (which really grates against our pride), we have barely made it. We have had some help from friends and family along the way as well. With all of this help we have eeked by....I mean really eeeeeeeked by. And here we are at the Last First Day.
On the first of the year, I came home from the hospital with a brand new member of our little nest, so sweet and precious, an incredible miracle. Two weeks later DJ begins the last leg of his University journey. CC, my eighteen year old Bluebird is graduating from highschool. The next few months holds the beginning and ending of two phases of life for the House of J. It is like looking from the deck of the ship across the ocean to the mainland after being shipwrecked, rebuilding the boat, setting sail once more, and now, finally coming home. Well, we have set our sails full speed ahead. We have hit rocks, icebergs, encountered squalls and storms of all kinds, and even sea monsters. The rest of the journey will be smooth sailing now because today is the Last First Day and shore is just a breath away. So, I will be waking each day with tingling excitement and anticipation for what lays ahead for the House of J. We are making our dreams come true one step at a time. So, hurray, DJ! It is our Last First Day!
This stretch of the journey has had its difficulties. It was precipitated by the affliction of the Bogey Man: the fight against cancer. While helping Jay fight for his life we built up some sizable debt. When we got back home after his death we struggled to pay this debt. Looking at all of our options we decided that DJ finishing his degree, which would increase his wage earning capabilities, was the best route to take. It was that, or head into bankruptcy, eventually. We sold our house and moved closer to the University where he is now set to finish in May. Living off of financial aid, income from a part-time job, and getting some assistance from the state (which really grates against our pride), we have barely made it. We have had some help from friends and family along the way as well. With all of this help we have eeked by....I mean really eeeeeeeked by. And here we are at the Last First Day.
On the first of the year, I came home from the hospital with a brand new member of our little nest, so sweet and precious, an incredible miracle. Two weeks later DJ begins the last leg of his University journey. CC, my eighteen year old Bluebird is graduating from highschool. The next few months holds the beginning and ending of two phases of life for the House of J. It is like looking from the deck of the ship across the ocean to the mainland after being shipwrecked, rebuilding the boat, setting sail once more, and now, finally coming home. Well, we have set our sails full speed ahead. We have hit rocks, icebergs, encountered squalls and storms of all kinds, and even sea monsters. The rest of the journey will be smooth sailing now because today is the Last First Day and shore is just a breath away. So, I will be waking each day with tingling excitement and anticipation for what lays ahead for the House of J. We are making our dreams come true one step at a time. So, hurray, DJ! It is our Last First Day!
Thursday, January 10, 2013
My Cinderella Man
Though the last couple of weeks have been a challenge for me physically, this time has also been like heaven. When bringing a brand new baby home life can be helter skelter. Routines don't seem to exist anymore. The goals we set out to accomplish get forgotten. With the birth of our new little songbird, a time warp was engaged. Time stood still (especially that last little bit of labor and delivery). The first moment I set my eyes on our baby girl thrust me into the moment, the present. I was exhausted, thankful with the relief of no longer being in pain. But, all of that became a side issue, like a dust bunny in the corner. There she was, an intimate partner in life, yet a stranger as well. She was beautiful. Still is. And cute as all get out.
With DJ by my side holding our Songbird, the nurses and doctor worked on me to keep me from saying good-bye to this world. Things in the room began to get fuzzy like an old black and white TV, and my ears started to ring and the sounds in the room were as if they were filtered with cotton in my ears. I lost too much blood. All the while my man stood by me like a sentry, quiet, gentle, yet a very strong presence that I could hold onto. During this time of rushed activity around me, I felt at peace. I felt calm. In the background I could hear him speak to our little girl, comforting her and letting her know that she was so very welcome in this world. I couldn't hear exactly what he was saying. I just heard his voice. And two of us in that room were comforted with the warmth of his voice.
At home, DJ insisted that I lay on the couch. He would do all the other chores. My job was to get better, to recuperate, to rebuild my strength, and nourish our little hatchling. All the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, errands, and chores...of any kind....were done by my Cinderella Man. My slightest wish was his command. He wouldn't let me do anything, and demanded that I obey him for once. I agreed. I felt like I had been hit by a truck. With the pain in my sacrum and tailbone, getting off of the couch took me about a minute's worth of effort and groaning before I could stand upright. I was also out of breath when walking from room to room due to a very low hemoglobin. So, Cinderella Man did it all.
We have been using cloth diapers because our little one broke out in a terrible, painful rash from paper diapers. We even tried the pure and natural, organic paper diapers. The moment we took the disposable diaper off of her one night it was as if peace descended upon the earth. She immediately quit crying. We have used cloth diapers since. This means my Cinderella Man has been rinsing, washing, drying and folding diapers. You would be amazed at how many diapers a little wee one can go through at this age. Those disposable ones are deceiving. In the beginning, while trying to learn our little songbird's sleep, wake, and diapering patterns, Cinderella Man would wash diapers three times a day, along with our other laundry.
For some reason, the dishes seemed to multiply by the number of diapers that also needed to be washed. DJ would do dishes multiple times during the day. We don't have a dishwasher. So, all those dishes were done in the sink by my Cinderella Man, who also did the cooking. He would cook me three square meals a day. Make tea for me, fill up my water bottle, and take care of TJ as well. When I needed to sleep, DJ would hold our beautiful Songbird and entertain our amazing four year old.
Just now, as I was nursing our little bundle of cuteness and joy, I had a coughing fit which is extremely painful due to the injury to my lower spine. I called out to DJ for something wet and quick! He ran to the freezer and pulled out my water bottle and rushed it to me. At some point this morning, DJ had put my water bottle in the freezer. He knows that my preference is to drink cold water instead of room temperature water. He did this for me without me knowing it.
DJ does so many things for me through out the day. I can't even name all of them. But, what is more impressive is his attitude while doing all that he does. He demands that I take this treatment from him, this selfless service, so that I can heal, so that I can be the person I am truly meant to be, one at peace, joy, and in love. Thank you, Cinderella Man! I love you so much! I cannot imagine life without you!
With DJ by my side holding our Songbird, the nurses and doctor worked on me to keep me from saying good-bye to this world. Things in the room began to get fuzzy like an old black and white TV, and my ears started to ring and the sounds in the room were as if they were filtered with cotton in my ears. I lost too much blood. All the while my man stood by me like a sentry, quiet, gentle, yet a very strong presence that I could hold onto. During this time of rushed activity around me, I felt at peace. I felt calm. In the background I could hear him speak to our little girl, comforting her and letting her know that she was so very welcome in this world. I couldn't hear exactly what he was saying. I just heard his voice. And two of us in that room were comforted with the warmth of his voice.
At home, DJ insisted that I lay on the couch. He would do all the other chores. My job was to get better, to recuperate, to rebuild my strength, and nourish our little hatchling. All the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, errands, and chores...of any kind....were done by my Cinderella Man. My slightest wish was his command. He wouldn't let me do anything, and demanded that I obey him for once. I agreed. I felt like I had been hit by a truck. With the pain in my sacrum and tailbone, getting off of the couch took me about a minute's worth of effort and groaning before I could stand upright. I was also out of breath when walking from room to room due to a very low hemoglobin. So, Cinderella Man did it all.
We have been using cloth diapers because our little one broke out in a terrible, painful rash from paper diapers. We even tried the pure and natural, organic paper diapers. The moment we took the disposable diaper off of her one night it was as if peace descended upon the earth. She immediately quit crying. We have used cloth diapers since. This means my Cinderella Man has been rinsing, washing, drying and folding diapers. You would be amazed at how many diapers a little wee one can go through at this age. Those disposable ones are deceiving. In the beginning, while trying to learn our little songbird's sleep, wake, and diapering patterns, Cinderella Man would wash diapers three times a day, along with our other laundry.
For some reason, the dishes seemed to multiply by the number of diapers that also needed to be washed. DJ would do dishes multiple times during the day. We don't have a dishwasher. So, all those dishes were done in the sink by my Cinderella Man, who also did the cooking. He would cook me three square meals a day. Make tea for me, fill up my water bottle, and take care of TJ as well. When I needed to sleep, DJ would hold our beautiful Songbird and entertain our amazing four year old.
Just now, as I was nursing our little bundle of cuteness and joy, I had a coughing fit which is extremely painful due to the injury to my lower spine. I called out to DJ for something wet and quick! He ran to the freezer and pulled out my water bottle and rushed it to me. At some point this morning, DJ had put my water bottle in the freezer. He knows that my preference is to drink cold water instead of room temperature water. He did this for me without me knowing it.
DJ does so many things for me through out the day. I can't even name all of them. But, what is more impressive is his attitude while doing all that he does. He demands that I take this treatment from him, this selfless service, so that I can heal, so that I can be the person I am truly meant to be, one at peace, joy, and in love. Thank you, Cinderella Man! I love you so much! I cannot imagine life without you!
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Overdue
Yesterday, January 5th, was my due date. BUT, today is the one week anniversary of our little baby Bluebird. At 6.35pm she made her appearance. She is incredibly beautiful. I would say that even if she was someone else's baby. She weighed in at 8 pounds 11.8 ounces, and was 20 inches long. She has a head full of black hair. Well, it has been quite a week for us here at the House of J. I will write more later as I have energy. I just wanted to get something posted before my new resolution to start blogging again wanes or gets side-tracked.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Big pain in the ......
The gentle descent of the snow, its glittering sparkles covering every surface of the beautiful outdoors, momentarily takes my mind off of my aches and pains. Man, am I sore! About not having a broken tailbone...I am rethinking that one. It takes me about 30 seconds to stand up just from the pain in my backside. There isn't anything anyone can do about it. The doctor can't x-ray me being that I am pregnant. And I REFUSE any exam of my derriere. I had one of those in 9th grade with my mother watching. Nope. That was the only and LAST time anyone would get the chance to examine my tailbone. Yes, this doggone tailbone keeps biting me in the butt. Twice in 9th grade I biffed it, landing directly on that little triangular bone at the end of my spine. The doctor ordered a "donut" for me to carry with me to every class so that I may sit down. How cool. I only did that for one day. The rest of my recovery was spent sitting on one bent leg or the other. Just in case you have never seen a "donut".... It looks like a cushy, white toilet seat. No flowers, no cool logos, or prints. Now that you have the picture in your mind you can imagine how cool it is for a 9th grader to carry that everywhere. Bet you want one now, don't you?
Some years later, as I mentioned in an earlier post, my little tailbone, which is a big pain in the ...., was broken again while bringing my precious, and incredibly beautiful daughter into this world. Plus my practitioner stitched me up in an unnecessary fashion which produced pain for years until my next baby was delivered. So, for months, I felt decrepit, trying to sit down, get up, walk around, caring for a newborn baby while dealing with things you just don't talk about to other people. I went to my practitioner once to be re-examined. She said everything was fine. I really didn't feel listened to, but hadn't learned that when it comes to doctors that gumption is highly useful. Being 22 years old, what did I know? And who could I talk to? At that time in my life, I was unaware that talking to other women, and finding a support group was highly beneficial emotionally, mentally, and even physically.
But, where was I? Oh yes, being hit by a truck....Well, that's what it feels like. It is a day and a half since I scared my husband nearly to death by banging a beat down the stairs. He opened the door to the stairway as I stood up on one of the last steps, asking me if I was ok. My little four year old was there as well. Both of them looking at me like I really had come back from the dead or that I was truly an alien descended from the starry sky. Two pairs of eyes, wide open to match their mouths, stared at me incredulously. I think they expected me to look more like a Picasso painting than the same nine-months pregnant woman that they knew before. Yes, I was recognizable I think that is why God makes a woman so puffy at the end of her pregnancy. He knows how unsteady we are on our feet. So, He built a ready made cushion by making her body retain extra water and fat to cushion the blows say, for instance, should she fall down a flight of stairs, or off of a curb, or bending over to tie her shoes....and of course to provide nourishment for her and the baby after the birth.
Now, that I am nursing all my aches and pains from the fall I can't decide which would be better, to recover a little more from my bumps and bruises before birthing our girl into this world, or getting it over and done with so that I can recover from my bumps and bruises. Most of the time now, I just pray, "God help me".
Some years later, as I mentioned in an earlier post, my little tailbone, which is a big pain in the ...., was broken again while bringing my precious, and incredibly beautiful daughter into this world. Plus my practitioner stitched me up in an unnecessary fashion which produced pain for years until my next baby was delivered. So, for months, I felt decrepit, trying to sit down, get up, walk around, caring for a newborn baby while dealing with things you just don't talk about to other people. I went to my practitioner once to be re-examined. She said everything was fine. I really didn't feel listened to, but hadn't learned that when it comes to doctors that gumption is highly useful. Being 22 years old, what did I know? And who could I talk to? At that time in my life, I was unaware that talking to other women, and finding a support group was highly beneficial emotionally, mentally, and even physically.
But, where was I? Oh yes, being hit by a truck....Well, that's what it feels like. It is a day and a half since I scared my husband nearly to death by banging a beat down the stairs. He opened the door to the stairway as I stood up on one of the last steps, asking me if I was ok. My little four year old was there as well. Both of them looking at me like I really had come back from the dead or that I was truly an alien descended from the starry sky. Two pairs of eyes, wide open to match their mouths, stared at me incredulously. I think they expected me to look more like a Picasso painting than the same nine-months pregnant woman that they knew before. Yes, I was recognizable I think that is why God makes a woman so puffy at the end of her pregnancy. He knows how unsteady we are on our feet. So, He built a ready made cushion by making her body retain extra water and fat to cushion the blows say, for instance, should she fall down a flight of stairs, or off of a curb, or bending over to tie her shoes....and of course to provide nourishment for her and the baby after the birth.
Now, that I am nursing all my aches and pains from the fall I can't decide which would be better, to recover a little more from my bumps and bruises before birthing our girl into this world, or getting it over and done with so that I can recover from my bumps and bruises. Most of the time now, I just pray, "God help me".
Thursday, December 27, 2012
... My Butt!
Welllll, my butt hurts. I fell down the stairs last night after taking a much needed nap. Being nine months pregnant doesn't help with anything other than looking and feeling nine months pregnant. And my butt hurts. With my first baby, who was also my smallest, I broke my tailbone pushing her out. She was "sunny-side-up", or in a posterior presentation where the back of her head, instead of her face, was pressed against my sacrum and ... my tailbone. I believe she came out so fast that her cute, little head just snapped that tiny, little bone in my butt. I couldn't sit normally, without a ton of pain, for at least 2 years, no kidding. The painful result of landing on my tailbone last night as I made my accelerated decent down the stairs instantly reminded me of my experience on Mother's Day 18.5 years ago. Either my pain tolerance has gone up quite a bit, or I didn't break my tailbone. And I think this is just my fancy way of complaining, just a little bit, about my misfortune.
I am tired of just about all the discomforts of pregnancy. I have been trying to keep my focus on the positive, incredible, and sacred aspects of bringing this soul to this side of life, to bring her earth bound for whatever lay ahead for her Journey. My feet, ankles, and generally every part of my body is swollen and puffy. This happens with every pregnancy. It is just at the end that really gets to me. God has designed pregnancy to prepare us mothers for the birth. Right? Ah, mostly, it is a state of mind. I have been trying to enjoy the presence of our little girl right where she is. Our plan is that this will be our last pregnancy. This will be the last time in my lifetime to feel this state of being, to feel this relationship between my body and that of my child's. So, I have been trying to memorize these last moments before her birth. Redirecting my thoughts, I have been focusing on being the portal between heaven and earth. What an incredible job! What a sacred position to stand in that exact spot where a soul crosses over from heaven, from the heart of God, to begin a Journey, an adventure, here on earth. Then I revert back to, "God, please help my poor aching butt!"
I am tired of just about all the discomforts of pregnancy. I have been trying to keep my focus on the positive, incredible, and sacred aspects of bringing this soul to this side of life, to bring her earth bound for whatever lay ahead for her Journey. My feet, ankles, and generally every part of my body is swollen and puffy. This happens with every pregnancy. It is just at the end that really gets to me. God has designed pregnancy to prepare us mothers for the birth. Right? Ah, mostly, it is a state of mind. I have been trying to enjoy the presence of our little girl right where she is. Our plan is that this will be our last pregnancy. This will be the last time in my lifetime to feel this state of being, to feel this relationship between my body and that of my child's. So, I have been trying to memorize these last moments before her birth. Redirecting my thoughts, I have been focusing on being the portal between heaven and earth. What an incredible job! What a sacred position to stand in that exact spot where a soul crosses over from heaven, from the heart of God, to begin a Journey, an adventure, here on earth. Then I revert back to, "God, please help my poor aching butt!"
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
The desire for Presents and Presence on this Christmas Day!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Brrrrr! It is a supremely cold morning. The dogs gave us that clue when they decided not to be disobedient to our calls and instead ran straight for the dog house to wait to be let into the warm, cozy porch. On this very cold wintery morning, we wait. We wait to open presents. We wait for my daughter to get back from work so that we can open presents. We wait for my other daughter for the arrival of her presence as well.
Do I want to birth a baby on Christmas Day? Sure! Why not? What an awesome Christmas Present! But, what about the "labor" part? Do I really want to go through all that pain on a day of celebration? Well, my desire to see my little girl far exceeds the pain that I will go through to get her here. I ache so much to see her, and touch her, and look into her eyes. The desire is driving me nuts! If I could make this birthing process begin now, I would! She is soooo close. I mean, this is MY body! And I can't make the birth happen? I am a slave to my own body?? She is right there. I can touch her through my belly. But, I can't hold her with my arms, nor touch her soft skin and hair, kiss her cheeks, rub her back, rock her and sing to her. God help me today to be thankful for the presents I am blessed with, and for the presence I am blessed with.
Brrrrr! It is a supremely cold morning. The dogs gave us that clue when they decided not to be disobedient to our calls and instead ran straight for the dog house to wait to be let into the warm, cozy porch. On this very cold wintery morning, we wait. We wait to open presents. We wait for my daughter to get back from work so that we can open presents. We wait for my other daughter for the arrival of her presence as well.
Do I want to birth a baby on Christmas Day? Sure! Why not? What an awesome Christmas Present! But, what about the "labor" part? Do I really want to go through all that pain on a day of celebration? Well, my desire to see my little girl far exceeds the pain that I will go through to get her here. I ache so much to see her, and touch her, and look into her eyes. The desire is driving me nuts! If I could make this birthing process begin now, I would! She is soooo close. I mean, this is MY body! And I can't make the birth happen? I am a slave to my own body?? She is right there. I can touch her through my belly. But, I can't hold her with my arms, nor touch her soft skin and hair, kiss her cheeks, rub her back, rock her and sing to her. God help me today to be thankful for the presents I am blessed with, and for the presence I am blessed with.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)